Five Reasons to Watch Football This Weekend

Ah, Arsenal versus West Ham at home: the exact game all Arsenal sides since 2004 have been built for, a nailed-on victory against the dark forces of Sam Allardyce to pep them up for a 2–0 loss against Monaco in the Champion's League on Tuesday. Arsenal's seasons have taken a fixed narrative in recent years, but it's March that is the most relaxed month for the Gunners.

Saturday won't be a certainty, of course – their secret weapon used to be Lukas Podolski, who, as his loan club Inter are finding, only plays well against West Ham; plus Allardyce always has the potential to pull off something horrible. You may think an Arsenal victory is desirable for the neutral to see Van Gaal's tiresome roadshow deservedly scuppered in the race for fourth, but that would be small-minded. There's more at stake here.

To see the full picture, we need to cast our eye abroad, to Spain. Sam Allardyce is rumoured to be still pondering the next year's rent on that Canary Wharf apartment, and if you believe the papers, David Moyes is the man who will replace him. Does anyone really want to see that? The man's clearly having the time of his life in San Sebastian, and we want to bring him to toil away in East London to do his level best to finish ninth? For once, a victory for Wenger here is a victory for the real underdog.

As we draw further towards the close of the season, the early TV games are increasingly Championship-shaped, and so we get to enjoy two promotion rivals scrapping it out instead of, say, Stoke vs West Brom. That can only be a good thing, unless it's between a Mick McCarthy side nobody cares about and Middlesbrough. So here we are, Ipswich vs. Boro.

Of the two of them, there's not really much of a contest here. Boro might be a bit dull, but they gave us Juninho and it's always fascinating to get an insight into the sort of man who'd abandon Barcelona for Teesside, to build up a character profile for the inevitable mass murders if nothing else.

The wider Championship race itself, as usual, is the star here. It's absurdly tight, with four teams currently tied for points at the top, and three more just four below them. We might even get a finale approaching 2012-13, which you may recall was the greatest of all time. The future will be altered for years in these coming games - or at least, the future of the Premier League lower half. For a bit. Fuck it, watch it, what have you got going on more interesting on a Saturday lunchtime?

It was quite delightful to see Chelsea beaten in midweek, as a limited side which has chosen to rely on all manner of gamesmanship and skulduggery – rather than, say, skill, or attacking the opponent's goal rather than their shins – got their deserved comeuppance. Yet the fact that it came at home, in a game they had the advantage in, against a mediocre PSG side, gives an inkling that José might just be losing his touch. A very short time ago, such a result would have been unthinkable, and when something stops being unthinkable, it quickly becomes routine.

Even in the Premier League, Chelsea have been paying the price for their negativity. They've maintained a solid degree of consistency which should have seen them miles clear of a stuttering Man City side, but the strategy of trying to win every game 1-0 with Diego Costa escaping five red cards has seen the luck of the draw settle more games than it should've.

They'll now get to take out all their aggression on poor Southampton, whose top-four challenge is quickly fading away and could be effectively ended with defeat here. We might question whether Mourinho is being left behind, still living in 2005, but if he can't batter an upstart mid-table side at home, then we might as well bury him now.

The game of the weekend here, as Louis Van Gaal's Manchester United continue what looks like a doomed struggle to hold off Arsenal, Liverpool and their Sunday opponents until the end of the season.

The result of that already looks like a foregone conclusion. In losing at home to Arsenal in the cup – Arsenal! At home! In a big game! – where everything went the exact opposite as games between United and Arsenal are supposed to go, things look bleak. The litmus test of any team that's hoping to achieve something is that they should at least be able to comfortably twat an Arsene Wenger side, regardless of the circumstances. Even David Moyes got a win and a draw against him. With that failure, the narrow wins of recent weeks look less bloody-minded determination or winning spirit and more like sheer jamminess.

So, if you can't beat Arsenal, who do you turn to? Yes, Spurs. Roy Keane described Ferguson's pre-match talk before games against them to simply be "Lads, it's Tottenham", confident that a rout would then ensue. If Spurs can pull off a similar result to Arsenal at Old Trafford, then we can expect Van Gaal to come under serious pressure, and Ryan Giggs' eyes to get even beadier.

While the depressing sight of a depressing Chelsea side marching to a depressing title might be, well, depressing, this column has never failed to remind its readers that true authenticity can still be found north of the border. This week's big story was Scott Brown, days before a cup final, lying pished and gorging on pizza in the street, proving there's still something to be said for relatable footballers. It's the real home of the sport.

Or, it would have been the big story were Rangers still not providing all of the headlines. Finally managing to get rid of a never-ending stream of crooks, shysters, spivs and ne'erdowells in the boardroom, they've embarked on a new era. And in a few days since, they've had to deal with suspending the club's directors, giving their (resigned) caretaker manager his P45, played out two unwatchable draws against utter dross, and have become embroiled in the Charlie Hebdo brouhaha after they appointed a new director who was found to have sent a tweet to Anjem Choudhary of a drawing of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, giving a handy to Jar-Jar Binks.

The new manager in question is Stuart McCall, and he'll be trying to rejuvenate a terrible team to make a last charge at the playoffs starting this weekend. But if there's one tragedy about Scottish football, it's this: yeah, the old legend returning to the most successful club in the world where he enjoyed unprecedented success is a nice story, and he achieved countless trophies and glory as a player… but you live south of the border and therefore you'll probably know him most for the above clip because of Soccer AM. It's a cruel world.

@Callum_TH