Five Things We Learned from This Weekend's Football

United-Liverpool
​​Another win for United and Van Gaal puts them in a pretty good position in the table, maybe even back in the title race. It's been a pretty incredible transformation, but equally so because they're somehow getting worse as they get better. Against a team that didn't field any strikers, they were more of a defensive shambles than at pretty much any game this season, yet somehow kept a clean sheet. Against a side playing with a back three of terrible defenders and Brad Jones in goal, they didn't create an overwhelming number of chances. Yet somehow they came away with a 3-0 victory.

While winning six in a row is a good achievement for anyone, it's hard to buy into the idea that the Van Gaal revolution is gathering pace. Hoping David de Gea puts in a superhuman performance and that the opposition defence either play a suicidal backpass or their goalkeeper jumps out of the way is not really a long-term strategy. Yet it can't be a coincidence. Something must have clicked.
​

Some people have been quick to instead point to Michael Carrick as the reason for the resurgence, claiming that he's restored some calm and confidence, but I don't think that's right. It's Marouane Fellaini, the specialist of a lost art that United have lacked for a long-time.

A lot of people think that United never really replaced Keane, but it wasn't a hard man that was required. It was a sly man – someone who can destroy a game with niggly fouls and wind up opponents but never, ever get more than a yellow card. Mark van Bommel was the king of this, as was Keane's nemesis, Alf Haaland. Even PSG have been worse without their master of the dark art, Thiago Motta. It's more useful of course if the player in question can also play some football, but you play the cards you're dealt.

Leicester-Manchester City
​If Chelsea had kept Frank Lampard, and were reliant upon him to scrape past Leicester City, there would be serious question marks raised over whether José Mourinho was planning effectively. Yet Manchester City snag him on loan in a roundabout way and it's hailed as a genius move – it's amazing what millions of pounds spend on a transcontinental empire of barely-legal connected franchises can do for public perception.

It's hard for Chelsea fans to know what to think. Lampard has scored so many important goals for City this season that it hints at their weaknesses, and they may not have him all season. On the other hand, if Chelsea are going to throw the league away… well, there's only one way it's gonna happen, right? Really, it's exactly what we should be hoping for. Not just because it'd be funny, but because I really, really want to see what a man not honouring his dead mother out of respect for his former club looks like.

Arsenal-Newcastle
​The days of Arsenal title challenges falling away in winter are long behind us, but some people have failed to recognise the new routine. A dodgy start, a couple of high-profile defeats on TV that reach new lows of cowardice and incompetence, falling behind Tottenham, then comfortably dispatching six or seven shit teams in a row without a hiccup. The clocks have changed, and you can set your watch by this schedule now, even if it is a bit more condensed this season.

It's hard not to think this was a planned move from Wenger. Unable to win the title, he reasoned that it was better to storm into a Champions League spot with a late rally rather than end up there after collapsing at the last minute and adjusted his team accordingly. It's the only real explanation for why he's continued to collect players who perfectly fit the system, who can make a routine 4-1 win over Newcastle look like a triumph. Who not only reliably score goals against shit sides, but have the mentality to celebrate them like cup-winners.
​

Because of that, when we come to do our end-of-year lists, Olivier Giroud should be player of the year. Time's Man of the Year too, and Arsenal's player of the century when we get to 2100. The flickering from greatness to emptiness, the homoeroticism, the muffled glory and resigned despair - no player has set a more effective example at their club in history. Let our grandkids hear of how he finally stopped Alan Pardew from enslaving us all.

West Brom-Aston Villa
​ A goal to settle a tight game between two relegation rivals is normally a good thing to be celebrating. If it's Craig Gardner, though, it can be a bit of a worry. This is the best we have? We're relying on Craig Gardner to provide the moment of magic? Wasn't the last team to do that Birmingham City?

Despite that, it's not as bad as being on the other end of it. It's an almost certain sign of impending relegation, particularly when it's a player who has a bit of history with your club. If your own players are shit, that's one thing, but not being able to attract a nemesis of a higher standing than Craig Gardner should be infinitely more worrying. A former squad player, who then moved to your rivals then claimed to support them. It's not exactly Denis Law in front of the Stretford End. It's something more tragic, more grim, and more Midlands, and it can only be a terrible, terrible sign.

Torres

​Has Fernando Torres' humiliation not gone on long enough now? With Milan being forced to come out and deny reports that they're going to terminate his loan deal, and rumours appearing in the press that anyone – absolutely anyone – can have him, it's looking like he's already reached the time in his career where he has to do the decent thing and fall on his sword – to fuck off to the USA.

The MLS is a weird place at the moment. Bradley Wright-Phillips can come in and be a star player for a team and outshine Thierry Henry. But the sad thing about Torres is that it's not even certain whether or not he's at that level now. He'd be a big-name signing, but his name is now synonymous with failure, with tragedy, with shanked sitters spooned over the bar and a face of contorted agony as he wonders where it all went wrong.

It all stopped being funny a long time ago. But after the sudden sneering nastiness as he moved to Chelsea, followed by the skinhead, then the usual "he's getting into the right positions" and "his movement really helps the team" defences of shit strikers, he looks out of ideas for a rebrand. Almost everything he once had has gone. Somewhere, in his attic, there's a painting of a man with some gloriously intact knees.

​@Callum_TH