Five Tips for Ruining an Interracial Relationship

Regardless of the result of the upcoming presidential election, Barack Obama will be minted as one of America’s most important leaders. This won’t be due to his fiscal policy, murder of Osama Bin Laden or smoking hot wife. Obama will remain far away from obscurity through the decades because of the color of his skin.

The accepted wisdom is that Barack Obama is black, as in “homie has a sweet jump shot and loves Tribe Called Quest” black. Most of the electorate is perfectly comfortable ignoring the fact that President Obama’s mother was white. He’s technically just as white as he is black, but in this country, if there’s just a hint of non-white ethnicity in your background, you have to forfeit your European cultural heritage. That’s like putting a slice of pizza in a tortilla and calling it a burrito.

The interracial relationship that spawned our first minority president didn’t last very long. Mr. and Mrs. Obama split after a single year together, leaving the future Commander-in-Chief to grow up not truly knowing his biological father. My own interracial family stayed together 23 years longer, but my parents got along as well as Rick Santorum and Barney Frank at a Pussy Riot concert.

I’ve ruined my share of interracial relationships.  I just have an insatiable addiction to white women and an inability to fit in anywhere. I don’t know how to keep a white woman happy, but I do know how to pass on quality advice to my readers. So, for those of you interracial gentlemen looking to split up from your white girlfriend, I offer you the following five tips for kicking her to the curb.

Dance Badly

One of the first things a white woman expects from her black boyfriend is expert dancing ability. Dancing is very important to a white woman dabbling with jungle fever, even more so than the carnal benefits. I hate to be the one to reveal this to all curious white girls out there, but a lot of biracial guys can’t dance. Also, some of them wear stupid Ghostbusters t-shirts to bars and expect to get laid.

Be Terrible at White People Things Like Guitar Hero

You need to fit in with your significant other. It’s bad enough that you look totally different. Acting different is a double whammy that you can’t recover from. I tried very hard to master “Love in an Elevator” by Aerosmith on a plastic guitar to satisfy my girlfriend, but she saw through my ruse. I kept mistaking the green button for the red button and completely forgot about that whammy bar. I asked if there were any KRS-One songs on the game, but I was told “absolutely fucking not” and was commanded to go sit in a corner until the master race was done jamming out to “Dookie” by Green Day.

Act Too Black

Dating an interracial male is equivalent to having your cake and eating it too. Diversity is a wonderful thing, but don’t give your white mate too much diversity or you’ll scare them into thinking you are going to “bust a cap in their ass” or some such stereotypical bullshit. At all costs, avoid “getting crunk,” “wildin’ out,” “getting hyphy,” “throwing bows,” “dropping it like it’s hot,” “popping,” “locking,” or “dropping.” Please refer to the controversy over the Obama fistbump from the 2008 election for proof that white people don’t want you expressing yourself too much.

Wear Really Stupid Fucking Hats

So I was told that a hat made of flowers is not ‘swag.’ I’m hazy on this whole issue. So, bow ties carry a great deal of swag, as do sweaters and colorful t-shirts, but gorgeous flower hats that bring out the beauty of my natural skin tone does not? Black people, you all really need to clarify this for me. Until further notice, I will be avoiding the entire concept of swag in favor of Quicksilver shirts and Dickies.

Express a Radical Political Opinion

When you think about it, Barack Obama himself is the perfect example of an interracial male who alienated his white girlfriend. In this case, the girlfriend is the United States of America. At first, it all seemed like magic. He promised to be different than her other boyfriends. He was going to be nicer, more emotionally available. He might even be a little bit cooler. Things got dicey when he was invited over for dinner at her parents’ house and said some crazy shit like, “all Americans should have health insurance and the government has a responsibility to help” or “rich people should pay more in taxes.”

So, if you really want to get rid of your white girlfriend, just start saying reasonable, but unorthodox things about society. She’s sure to dump you for some boring white businessman with too much product in his hair after about four years.