A few tidbits from a recent trip to the land of melanoma…
This is issue 135 of Gotch-ya!, our new favorite publication. Its editorial content consists entirely of mug shots of people arrested in Manatee and Sarasota Counties coupled with descriptions of their offenses. For instance, the jolly guy with the eye patch is Jamal Lambert. He was arrested for cocaine possession and is known to traffic drugs. It makes you wonder if he runs around with baggies of narcotics stuffed in his empty eye socket, or if he just uses the pirate look to intimidate other dealers who might steal his stash. Either way, he looks like he’d be fun to party with. The rest of Gotch-ya! is filled with advertisements for lawyers, bail bondsmen, and an ad for a supermarket-cum-beauty product store so criminals on the lam know where to get one-stop service for food that can be cooked over a camp fire AND the perfect wig to complete their new identity.
LE PEW ODOR-PROOF BAGS
Using a proprietary odor-blocking UV plastic-coating process and a dual-seal closure, Le Pew bags assure that drug dogs won’t smell your souvenirs on your “irie” return flight from Jamaica. Just kidding, that’s a load of bullshit. As far as we can tell it’s just a semi-thick plastic bag. This is not an item specifically from Sunshine State per se (in fact, the bag says the seemingly defunct company who makes them hails from Las Vegas), but the Floridian who gave it to me said his friend works for the company and is constantly asking his Florida friends to “test them out” by sneaking them past TSA officials and onto airplanes. He claimed that he throws a few grams in there, seals it up, and haphazardly tosses it into his check-on bag. That’s pretty ballsy considering the bag’s imprinted with a graphic of a skunk tail and the slogan “The stank in these bags stays in these bags.”
Killing alligators is a touchy subject in Florida because on the one hand they're literal monsters, but on the other you've got all these Snowbirds from New Jersey who are like "Ey, I wanted to come down to Florida to live wid da gators. Dey ain't hurtin' nobody." Here's the thing, though: When male alligators get too large they become sterile. Normally when this happens all the other gators just get the fuck away from the guy and he dies sad and lonely. But now, thanks to New Jersey, developers have filled in so much of the swamp with fancy subdivisions that the other alligators have no place to go, so old no-sperm just keeps on ineffectually raping the lady-gators in his area and killing any offspring they have with other males. And so, in order to keep the gator population thriving and healthy guys working with Fish & Wildlife have to go in and capture the problem gators and turn them into fancy shoes and purses. Can you say win-win?
Pocket Shot is the cutting edge of portable DUI technology and resembles an adorable miniature version of the IV bag that will be hanging above your head after one too many of these. It is manufactured by a company in California who designed it to be “the most equitable combination of product and promotion to address the need for convenience in today’s highly mobile lifestyle.” According to their website, eight different varieties are available but we were only able to sample two. The vodka tastes like carburetor fluid, while the rum offers a bouquet of swill with hints of rotgut distilled from moss. We guestimate that you can fit about six in various pockets on your person without anyone noticing, which should be just the right amount to get you through a day at school or the office. We found ours at an unassuming liquor store in Sarasota where they also sold those little rose tubes people use as crack pipes.