Just when I thought my calendar was running low on food-related holidays, Shrove Tuesday comes along! Thanks, Christianity! To commemorate Jesus going for a walk in the desert or something, people usually spend it eating pancakes until they’re involuntarily dribbling batter out from their nose. The way I see it though, you may as well treat yourself to some extra luxurious pancakes to give you some sustenance before Lent means you can’t eat sugar because you're spending the month beating yourself with a pair of tights full of razors.
Red Velvet Pancakes and Creme Egg Sauce
The thing about pancakes is they’re mind-crushingly boring. They’re only saved by being so bland that you can pretty much drown them in anything else you actually enjoy eating. So keep things simple; the red velvet twist will jazz up the pancakes themselves, but the real hero here is the sauce that captures all the scrumptiousness of a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.
1 x cup of plain flour
1 x tspn of baking powder
½ x tspn of salt
2 x tbspn of sugar
2 x tbspn of cocoa powder
1 x egg
1 x cup of milk
1 x knob of butter
lots x red food colouring
3 x creme eggs
1 x serving spoon of cream cheese
1 x cup of condensed milk
Whisk all the pancake ingredients – minus the red stuff – until the mush you have left is smooth. It seems to be the law that every member of the bakery-bumming teapot and blog brigade must lose their mind over red velvet recipes, but honestly, they’re easy. It’s just cocoa and our BFF, food colouring. So, yeah, sorry about blowing your cover Hummingbird Bakery. Actually, no, I didn’t mean sorry, I meant: stick that up your dickhole you fucking charlatans.
Squirt in a generous helping of your blood colouring. Beat again till it’s...
...this colour. Slop into a jug and leave to chill.
While your crimson batter is chilling, heat your Creme Eggs over a pan of hot water. Not crazy hot, warm enough to melt the chocolate, but not so hot that you're left waddling around your kitchen with no flesh left on your face screaming: "JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!" (it's blasphemous, this is Lent, you don't want to go to hell after dying of facelessness).
Dump in the cheese and sloppy milk, and go at it with a spatula until it stops looking like curdled udder vomit.
Next, cook the pancakes. I’m going to go against my cooking mantra and say that the less fat you use, the better. So around a teaspoon of oil in a dangerously hot frying pan, or none at all if you have a fancy non-stick pan.
You can attempt to flip your pancakes, I just choose not to because I enjoy eating food more than I enjoy wasting time fucking around with it.
Serve up in a scarlet stack, smother in your sauce with a dribble of canned milk and stuff your face in the name of religion. Here’s to you Jesus Christ, you delicious bastard!
Previously: Girl Eats Food - De Niro Guinness Tiramisu
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.