A Thanksgiving special from The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll. Originally ran March, 2000.
After the overwhelming response we got from our penultimate guide to eating pussy, we felt it only fair to offer the same type of guide for putting dinks in your mouth. After interviewing piles of sluts and exactly one homo, Linda Gondelle brings you this all-encompassing guide that examines every conceivable facet of hog smoking there is.
Giving good head is an art form that I didn’t perfect until I was in my mid-twenties. Before that I was constantly bewildered, usually drunk and often left wondering why I kept getting “fired.” I had the intent, concentration and attitude, but I also had an overbite and too many wine coolers. It was high school. What did I know? Then I met Yves, the prototypical older boyfriend. Born and raised in Montreal, he was used to supremo suck from the “filles de roi” and this Ontario girl was going to rank. Since then I have, quote, “rocked”, “ruled”, “owned”, and “paralysed” some of the best cock this side of the Mississippi. My experience, combined with epic VICE research, is available for you now. Here we go!
Step #1: Don't Spend All Your Chips
Before you even start this discussion you have to look at your budget. You have about twenty minutes of sex chips on any given night. If you spend fifteen chips sucking him off, he’s only got five chips left for humping. We suggest saving BJs for mornings and afternoons and period week; you still want to get laid.
Step #2: The Evil Dr Tooth
Your teeth don’t exist. They might as well be in a glass by the bed. Use the same principle applied when eating a super cold Popsicle with a mouthful of freshly filled, sensitive molars. You have to make a cave with your mouth and use your tongue, upper and back palate to form a careful vacuum to keep him away from your teeth. Keep this exercise in mind throughout your entire blowjob. It’s easy to slip, especially when you’re drunk. One trick is to pull your lips over your teeth like they’re those boxing mouth guards.
Step #3: The Right Mindset
The key to cock is in the focus. You must be fixated for the entire duration of your down time. Remember the concentration required to kill an ice cream cone without getting any on your blouse? Why do you think they make sex oils in all of your favorite candy/ice cream flavors? It elicits a freaky Pavlovian trance of focus and completion. Think of good head as the Great Pacifier.
Step #4: Believe
We’re not talking about the half-ass, licking-until-hard-then-insertion action here. That’s “lovemaking” in the whitest way. If you’re not willing to trust him and commit yourself with 100 percent total devotion to his penis, don’t bother. You have to worship it like you’re Indiana Jones and you’ve finally made it to the Temple of Doom. (If worshipping his cock makes you feel vulnerable it’s probably because he’s a macho asshole and you are sucking off the wrong guy.) Remember, there’s a psychosexual paradox going on here. You are giving him head and he is getting his cock sucked. You are both a slave to his dick and totally in control of it, like an actress who stars in and directs her own movies.
Step #5: Heading South
Before you break off from his mouth and head downstairs, prepare the landing pad with your hand. Horse around until it’s hard as stone. Assure him there’s going to be some heavy mouth action but don’t let it start until he’s ready to crack.
Rub, rub, rub through the pants like it’s a baby animal just about to be born. Firmly tug at the belt buckle like it’s your own. Try not to fumble too much with the belt but it’s OK to ask for his help. Don’t get fired before you’ve even taken on the job. Communication is crucial because guys have trouble refusing head no matter how bad they think you might be at it. Making sure he’s happy with how it’s going without seeming insecure is one of the hardest parts of giving head.
Extra tip: Don’t fuck up with the zipper. If you hurt his penis here it’s all over. Pull the zipper up and out, away from his penis, not straight down. Use two hands if you need to, like if he’s huge or not wearing any underwear.
Key: If he seems to be steering this ride (keeping his hands hovering over or on your head), read the road signs and ask some soft questions. Are you going too fast, hard, soft, slow? You’re not looking for a detailed map or long discussion. One or two uttered words – a deep moaning “yes” or “oooohmmmokay” or “ohhhh, yeahyeahyeah” – will do fine.
Step #6: Birthing
Slide your hand into the underwear. The baby animal is a little afraid of being born and has to get to know your hand so it can feel safe and come out. Hover over his groin here for five seconds (not too long or you will seem like a spectre and that will make him feel self-conscious).
Extra tip: If he starts mashing your head down, don’t smack his hand away. Gently grab his wrist and place it down by his side again. Hold it there for a second as if to say, “Relax, guy. I’ve got it.” Incidentally, where did you meet this guy?
Step #7: Getting the Balls Rolling
Now, somebody hasn’t received much attention up until now. Here’s where our face and hands have a bit of prep work to do. Cup and caress his balls in the hand you don’t use for writing. They can take a bit of abuse, but only with your heavy wet tongue. Find his balls first with your mouth by burying your face in the space between his thighs and crotch and take one of them in your mouth and wet and spit it up. Don’t be afraid to make things wet as hell.
You’ll need your dexterous hand to complete the lock and seal around the shaft. It’s wet from your spit, too and remember, you don’t have any teeth. This is a game you play with yourself: No teeth, I have no teeth, I only have gums and lips and tongue. No teeth.
At the base, your mouth finally meets your hand and your tongue slicks up the shaft with more hot spit. Wet hand goes down around the shaft with forefinger and thumb acting as the extension of mouth. Moan on it because everybody’s just met. Here’s the freeze frame: mouth puffed out, lips like an anus, down around the top few inches, tongue pressing the cock into an oral groove, good hand around the shaft and bad hand is rotating around the balls with slightly firm yet gentle rubs. Teeth not invited to the party.
Now that you’ve made the lock, never take your hand and mouth off or away from his cock. You’re not gobbing on it and you’re barely hitting a rhythm. You are wetting down the penis with spitty, rhythmic foreplay to achieve the correct balance of slickness and traction. No baby kisses here; you’re all mouth and tongue and hand. The whole area should begin to feel like a wet, well-greased-down, slow-moving internal combustion engine that is just gearing up.
Extra tip: At some point, lock eyes with him while your mouth is first introduced to his cock. Remember he’s filming this with his brain and may use it as masturbation fodder for years to come. You can even jerk him off for a bit. It’s a nice break for everyone and the variety keeps things interesting.
Step #8: Rhythm and Motion
He will instinctively begin to rock slightly. Never stop moving along with him, but be a bit off so you’re undulating over his weenie slightly offbeat. It’s important at this point to make sure you avoid getting skull-fucked. Control the tempo yourself.
Your hand should form a tube like a skirt around your mouth, with your thumb and forefinger like a belt that meets your lips. Keep it well lubricated and don’t stay static. Your other fingers can fan and fold and tickle and tug as your mouth and tongue circle and bob up and down the top part. Most of the feeling is in the head of the penis so don’t waste too much time on the shaft. You’re looking for a tempo akin to “Pop Goes the Weasel” played at half speed. Never lose the rhythm or the concentration of your mouth up and down around the tip of the penis.
By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Mouth stays on over the top, deep then shallow, all the way out, all the way down. Hands have to help out the mouth. Mouth can’t do all the work.
Don’t make the goal here an orgasm. Have no expectations. This is the slick middle of giving head that gets you familiar with his rhythm and lets your mouth be the most talented pussy since your own.
Extra tip: Again, it helps to lock eyes. It reminds you of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it to. It’s an intense moment and it breaks a trance if you’ve found yourself in one. Guys can tell if you’re sucking to get it over with instead of getting him off, and it hurts their feelings. A little.
Step #9: The Final Countdown
Something happens between giving the blow job and the point of no return. His balls get hard and begin to disappear. Cute. You will know this because bad hand is on the job. He stiffens and arches his body toward your mouth and his moaning may get a bit more whimpery and ardent. Now everything gets a lot harder but a lot easier at the same time. Good hand is pumping a bit more penis into the mouth. Both work together, making the tempo a bit stormier but still controlled. Moaning should be almost frantic here. A vacuum begins to form between the hand and mouth, working up and down as you slightly suck in your cheeks. There’s an important distinction between sucking the shit out of it and simply making a vacuum seal out of your mouth. Vacuum is better. Sucking hard can make him convulse.
He’s so hard now that it might be difficult to take it all in, but try relaxing your throat muscles. Make a deep “ahhh” sound. Move your mouth and hand up and down with more ardor and purpose. Vary your mouth movements, but don’t lose the gentle vacuum. Use good hand to control the pumping and keep your mouth firmly wrapped and sealed in spit around the wet cock.
Step #10: The Finish Line
This is it. Increase the speed of your mouth and good hand. Let him feel you pulling his orgasm right out of him. Guys, it’s OK to tell her you’re about to blow, but don’t be a rock star. Say it nice and soothing like you’re going to cry and you don’t know why. (Who’s the subordinate little puppy now?) Your hands are slickly wrapped and your mouth is sucking his cock faster but with subtle undertones of a gentle coaxing. Start to make swallowing motions, press your tongue on the shaft and slightly relax your lips. Moan hard and low in anticipation of the best orgasm you’ve ever created.
Extra tip: If it’s so good you start losing him in some surreal never-ending ending, stop and let him have a wank while you lick his balls. That’s always a surefire way to get things back on track.
Step #11: The Blowing of the Load
Spitting it out means like. Swallowing means love. And gargling with cum makes you look like a crazy slut that probably has STDs. Most guys don’t care about where it goes eventually, but there are some ways to keep it sexy and fun. If he’s into it, he may want to cum on your face. It’s just cum and you trust him. It has to go somewhere and it’s good for your skin. Wherever it goes, wipe it up soon. No one can relax and fall asleep when paste is hardening around them.
Extra tip: Push on his t’aint while he’s cumming.
Step #12: Swallowing
Swallowing is important. It shows a kind of love and acceptance that has big payoffs during pussy-eating time, morning sex, and menstruation. The easiest way is to be upright and kneeling between his legs because gravity cuts down on the gag factor and if it’s far enough in the back of your mouth, it slides down like a slutty oyster. Swear to God.
Important: You are not going to get AIDS from swallowing. It’s safest to make sure you don’t brush your teeth right before or right after, but relax. It’s fine.
Step #13: The Aftermath
Once he’s spent, he’s pretty exhausted and probably in another land. You’re not going to get him back. Keep a warm hand on top of it for a bit, like a shock blanket used by paramedics. Just lie there while he mumbles “holy shit” to himself for a few hours while you fall asleep. It’s your lullaby.