GUILTY OF BEING A BEAR

Next time you're running down your mental list of Russian stereotypes, feel free to add “bear torturers” to the mix. Case in point: one of Russia's many showbiz slave-bears finally snapped, killing a circus administrator and mauling a trainer before being shot to death. Why? Because it was fed up with having to fucking figure skate.

This isn't anything new – bears have been treated pretty awfully for centuries. The thing is, most countries grew tired centuries ago of seeing the poor guys have to balance on balls and otherwise demean themselves. Russia did not. Their bears are still fucked with at every opportunity. Not only did they keep bear-baiting alive, they combined it with other passions, giving rise to the grand spectacle of making bears play hockey in front of a drunken crowd.

A friend went to Russia some time ago and managed to end up at a children's circus (for non-creepy reasons, I assure you [I hope]). Scanning the audience, he was probably the only non-Russian, the only adult unaccompanied by children, the only vegan, and the only person not legitimately loving every second of it. And despite his great big bushy beard, he was hardly the most bearlike creature in attendance.

From his account, the bear was made to walk around, do some somersaults, pirouette a few times, then take a big ol' bow. It was noteworthy, no doubt, but really, why? Training animals to do such stupid shit is an impressive feat, I suppose, but there are definitely impressive feats that don't require a whole menagerie to be whipped for their whole lives. The unconvenience of it all is striking, but not incredible – like spending ten years building a robot that can drink a glass of water.

So what's the appeal? Who reacts to this with anything more enthusiastic than a barely-registered “huh”? Granted, I've lived in Montreal for years, where most of my summer is spent elbowing my way past anarcho-clowns and stiltwalking fox-people and thirty-foot-tall plywood preying mantises, but I remember finding stuff like the circus weird, creepy and uninteresting before I moved here. What is it that attracts Russians to animal circuses like this?

Perplexing as that is, it's moot. The real question is, now that bears are making martyrs of themselves, what will be Russia's response? Will the bear circuses become more popular from all the free publicity, or less popular from all the fucked-uppedness of it? Is anyone involved aware of how weird this whole bear thing is? Will they be?

But then, if Russian circus society asks one question of itself, more will follow.