Here Are Six Political Tattoos You Could Get Instead of That Jeremy Corbyn Back Tattoo

Hey did you see that kid got a tattoo of Jeremy Corbyn on his back? He did, he got a tattoo of Jeremy Corbyn on his back. This 18-year-old kid called Kierran Horsfield got a tattoo of Jeremy Corbyn on his back while living in Australia, and it took 90 minutes, and actually it's a pretty cool tattoo. "I've been a Corbyn supporter even when he was an obscure rebellious backbencher and he's a man with a lot to offer British politics," he told BuzzFeed. "I'm inspired by him standing in the woolly jumper his mum knitted for him preaching the politics of the people, surrounded by men in suits who have redefined 'corrupt and corporate backed' as 'mainstream'." He also explicitly told The Sun they can't use a photo of his tattoo, thus making him my hero of the day.

IN WHICH WE INTRODUCE A NEW FRANCHISE MID-PARAGRAPH CALLED 'HERO OF THE DAY'

The hero of the day is: Kierran Horsfield, 18-year-old Corbyn fan and Sun disliker

END OF FRANCHISE, PROBABLY FOREVER

Anyway: it's only a tattoo, isn't it? In many ways, it's just sort of a high-minded version of getting "MAGA 2015" tattooed on your arse cheek at 2AM on the strip. And to that end we want more political tattoos. We want political tattoos on arses and on necks. We want political tattoos on backs and on foreheads. Do you have a penis? Have you ever considered getting the words "Theresa May" tattooed along it? Everyone has a gooch: why not get "Lord Sewel loves gak" tattooed on your gooch? Why not get a gooch tat of Boris on a zipline?

To that end we got Maeve Shearlaw, an amateur tattoo artist we know and has enough free time to enact jokes for us, to design up some political "flash" for all your tattooing needs. Also, an offer: if anyone literally wants one of these tattoos and can be bothered to travel to Shoreditch for it, Maeve will tattoo it on you – forever – for free. And people, that includes gooches. Maeve is a specialist in intricate gooch work. Jump in the comments if you want your body or your taint changed irreparably for eternity.

Karen Danczuk isn't even a councillor anymore, but there's something about her that fills the particular niche of "retired army majors living in the provinces' number one fantasy bang" – taking the mantle from Myleene Klass, who took it from Carol Vorderman before her – that keeps her in the news cycle. That and boobs. She's bang into posting pictures of the top maybe 70 percent of her boobs, for baffling reasons unknown.

Anyway, here she is as a luxuriant pin-up girl in recline, surrounded by a love heart (the loveheart represents the love that everyone in Britain apart from Simon Danczuk has for Karen Danczuk, Karen Danczuk in many ways the new people's princess), that you can almost imagine a student from Weymouth College getting on his bicep as an ill-advised act of rebellion – slightly too low on the arm, the tattoo, so he has to wear ¾ or long-sleeved shirts for the rest of his life as a result of it, or at least until he gets it covered up with a big dragon on his 30th birthday – and Karen doing a manual retweet of a photo of it with the caption, "Haha x".

Maeve sez: "Karen Danczuk in a heart because of how she's a bit attractive. You can't draw her face well with a Sharpie, I tried about a hundred times." Perhaps don't actually get this one tattooed on you.

I don't want to be all "remember the good old days", but remember the good old days? Remember the good old days when a mulleted man threw an egg at point blank range at John Prescott, who just fucking lamped him, and then they both sort of wrestled a bit on a low wall while the police did very little? Look, watch, it's amazing:

Imagine that happening in America: Mullet DeMarco there would be shot to clots before the egg even hit Joe Biden or whoever. And imagine it now: all the serious po-faced "I denounce egg-throwing in all its forms" speeches and tweets from various politicians. Get this tattoo to say, "bring back the old times, when egg-throwing was alright". Get this tattoo to say, "I respect the man's freedom to have a mullet and throw an egg at John Prescott". Get this tattoo to say, "John Prescott's chest: oddly erotic?"

Maeve sez: "John Prescott as a boxer because he loves a ruck." Good to have the insight of an artist, sometimes, isn't it?

Obviously if you are Gucci Mane you are in the best position to get this face tattoo of George Galloway – in all his Big Brother cat-and-Rula-Lenska cream gargling glory – eating an ice cream viciously off your face. But look deeper, between the lines: George Galloway extremely eating an ice cream is a visual metaphor. The ice cream with the word "Brrr" on it is London, and George Galloway is George Galloway, looming and bodyless, his dry little tongue sticking out to take a tentative little lick. On the morning of the 6th of May 2016, when George Galloway stands triumphant astride the dead and defeated bodies of Zac Goldsmith and Sadiq Khan, the whole city will be queuing around the block to be permanently inked in the name of their new mayor. You watch. Just you watch.

Maeve sez: "George Galloway eating Gucci Mane's ice cream face tattoo." I'll be honest: I think Maeve has confused "artistic analysis" for "extremely plain description".

Listen: ducks need houses too. So Sir Peter Viggers claimed £1,600 on expenses for a fancy floating duck shelter back in 2006: so what. Do you want his ducks to be cold, The Public? Do you want his ducks to get wet sometimes? Not on the bottom, where they swim, but on the top, from the rain? Is that what you want? Ducks to live outside, like wild animals? Not me. I for one support one man old man's expense claim of 1,600 literal pounds for a floating Swedish-style duck house, the most decadent and pointless expense claim of all time, and you should do. Let's all get this tattoo to say so.

Maeve sez: "That's Daffy Duck showing you his new house Peter Vigger sorted out for him. He's psyched because he knows he got it for free."

Remember when Ed Miliband ate a sandwich and it was really funny because he's quite odd-looking, is Miliband, that he looks slightly goofy, a little bit stop motion? Political humour: the well that never runs dry. Anyway, here he is rendered in all his porky glory, inexplicably trapped within an Illuminati pyramid under an all-seeing eye. Let us remember the time the funniest joke in the country was "shutter speed captures man's carb-inspired microexpression forever" in the form of an inky dedication. Imagine this as a full back tattoo. Imagine it.

Maeve sez: "The all seeing eye thing over Ed Milliband represents the media's cruel scrutiny. Also it distracts from the poor rendering of Ed himself." Remember: you could have this tattooed on your body! For free!

Remember when David Cameron fucked that pig? Because I'm not sure we're talking about it enough. I am legally required to hedge this next sentence with a lot of nudge-and-wink incidents of the word allegedly, but: the actual prime minister of this country, allegedly, put his actual alleged penis in what was alleged to be a pig's head, and fucked it, allegedly, and we are not really talking about that as much as we should be. Like: that thing allegedly happened. But when was the last time you thought about it, talked about it? When did you last consider the time David Cameron is alleged to have put his penis inside some pork? Celebrate it instead with a permanent post-nosh Porky Pig tattoo, anywhere on your body, for free. That will start some conversations.

Maeve sez: "That's David Cameron's jizz around Porky Pig's mouth, because satire is a powerful weapon. I don't think it's a big deal he did a gross thing once btw. Frankly it sounds like it was hilarious at the time and you should all try to be a bit more non-partisan about funny stuff like this." Have you not all dreamed of being made fleetingly famous on popular youth website VICE dot com? You can have the jizz pig tattooed upon you, for free! We'll take photos! We might put it on Snapchat! We will talk to the guy who does Snapchat and see if we can't put it on Snapchat. All this could be yours, for free, if you are willing to travel to Maeve's kitchen and let him mar an amount of your skin forever.

@joelgolby

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