Hey Mum, Why Am I Alone On Valentine's Day?

Being single on Valentine’s Day is shitty and can leave you asking some pretty heavy questions like: if I fell over in the shower I wonder if my cat would eat my face or feet first? Or, why do the “serves two” frozen meals only serve one? And, is the mailman flirting with me or are those shorts part of the uniform?

Well, because we don’t know the answers, and also because we thought it would be funny, we asked some of our single friends to quiz their mums about why they’re such lonesome, loveless losers.

SCOTT

Scott: So mum, do you think I’ll get lucky this Valentine’s Day?
Scott’s Mum: What do you mean? As in a card or a woman?

A card. From a woman.
Oh then I think you’ll do well. Very well.

That’s encouraging. What makes you so confident?
Because you’re a beautiful person, which is a given because you’re my son. You’re the best, and also very handsome. But maybe I’m biased.

Thanks, but if that’s all true, why am I considering starting an OkCupid account?
Why are you so concerned all of a sudden? When I was your age no one cared about this crap. Maybe stop worrying so much about things like Valentine’s Day. That can't be attractive to girls.

LANCE

Lance: Hey ma, how do you think I’ll go on Valentine’s Day?
Lance’s Mum: Well it’s your birthday so I would hope your friends had planned something.

Do you think I’ll get a Valentine’s though?
If you didn’t it would be pretty shoddy work from your friends- messing up your birthday and Valentine’s. I can’t see why a girl wouldn’t send you one. You’re so lovely you deserve it.

Do you have any theories why I haven’t been snapped up?
Because of your hair! No I’m joking. Maybe you’re picky. No, actually you deserve to be picky. You would be the most wonderful boyfriend. You just need to be more confident. Girls like confident boys.

Um, thanks but you didn’t really answer my question. What am I doing wrong?
Honestly I don't get this awkward thing you put on. Is that a cool thing? I just don't want you getting a "weirdo" reputation.

RITCHIE

Vice: Hey mum do you think I’ll get any cards today?
Ritchie’s Mum:How should I know? God alone knows how many girls you have. There are probably a few girls who would appreciate one from you.

Why do you think I’m still single?
I think you don’t want to be tied down. Just waiting for the right girl, or boy. What do I know?

Do you think I could do anything to improve my chances? With girls by the way.
Well if you haven’t met them now you’re probably in the wrong circle. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Didn’t one of your girls leave a burning bag of dog poo on your doorstep? Stay away from that circle. Oh and you don’t still work in that lesbian bar do you?

No.
Well that’s a start.

Anything else?
All I can say is no one ever regretted being less of a whore.

GRACE

Vice: Dad do you think I’ll be in luck this Valentines
Grace’s Dad: Well, we have some plans for the evening…

Me dad! Not you!
Oh sorry, yeah should do. You’ll probably get something.

Did you get many Valentine’s when you were young?
No, I don’t really believe in it. And it wasn’t really such a thing then. You know in the 1920’s (laughs for ages).

Any views on why I haven’t settled down yet?
You just haven’t found anyone good enough, or strong enough to handle you.

Got any advice to help me find a husband this year?
No offense Grace, but these are terrible questions. Who gives a shit if you find a husband? Just get married when you want. Actually I have some advice, give up drugs. That’s got to help.

So you don't think I'm doing anything wrong?
Drugs are wrong Grace

LIZ

Vice: So do you think I’ll get any Valentine’s attention this year mum?
Liz’s Mum: Sure, why not? If you play your cards right your dad might not be the only guy to buy you flowers.

Thanks for sharing that with everyone. So why so confident?
Well you’re drop dead gorgeous, just like your mother. You just spend a few too many Friday nights in watching TV.

Everything about that is depressing. Are you expecting much attention on Tuesday?
No, I may be drop dead gorgeous, but I'm also old and married.

True. What do you think I should do to cast my Valentine's net wider than dad?
You should start paying attention to your mother's advice!

Seriously, as my mother you have no other opinions?
I'm not kidding about the house Liz, you have the rest of your life to liquify on the couch. I don't know why you decided to start now.