Hey Ron! - My Ex-Girlfriend's A Bitch
Refreshed and decompressed from his recent vacation in Vegas, Ron was eager to apply his Zen-like state to dispensing indispensable advice to troubled souls. This week’s most heart-rending missive was sent by a young man whose heart was broken by a free-spirited lass. And to make matters worse, his former best friend has weaseled in as his immediate replacement. Ron tells him how to settle the score, and it ain’t pretty.
My girlfriend and I broke up last year on some pretty foul terms. There was no going behind the back or anything, it was just one of those situations where the romance disappears slowly and you start to resent each other. Then you wake up one day and it’s over. The worst part is that she recently started to date a close friend of mine, and I am not cool with that. I ain’t mad at her, I’m mad at him. He ought to know better. Normally I would say “fuck you” to both of them and move on, but it seems like they’re actually getting off on the disrespect by rubbing it in my face and shit. Now I’m thinking it’s time to put some hands on the guy. If he thinks he’s man enough to try some shit like that he should be ready for the worst, right? Or I am being a dick here?
I like the part about putting on some hands. Sometimes you gotta lay your hands on people, and this might be one of those times.
There’s an unwritten law: You do not deal with your friends’ girlfriends or boyfriends. My friends don’t get down like that because I’m only friends with dudes who understand that there are 80 million women out there who are willing to up it to you, to just give you sex. They don’t need to date my exes.
A bigger point is that this is exactly the reason you do not tell your friends how good your girlfriend or boyfriend is in bed. When you break up they are going to want to experience what you experienced. If you tell your friends, “She does this, she’s a freak, she does that,” then when you break up, what do you want them to do? They want to sample the goods, too! Not saying you did that, Larry. It’s just a good rule for everyone.
If it were my friend then he would’ve known that we don’t play like that beforehand. He’d be expecting consequences, and this is the type of thing where I’m going to have to cut you. So basically you should cut him. Pull him to the side with a blade in your hand and calmly say, “You know this is off-limits. If you are going to do it, don’t do it in my face like I don’t exist. We broke up but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a little bit of feelings for her. Throwing it in my face could cause you to receive a broken jaw. Then she’s not going to be giving anyone fellatio for a while. So how do you want to handle this?”
For her, you do the same thing. If you’ve got a lesbian cousin, bring her along and have her smack your girl. Just stand there and watch and say, “You don’t mess with me like this.”