If Hollywood Films Were Directed By God
Years from now, your child will be standing alone in a squalid bathroom with a gun pointed to their temple. As they stare into their drug-addicted, homosexual eyes and reflect on all of the terrible things they have filled their immoral lives with, they will ask themselves one final question.
"Why did my parents let me watch Glee?" they will wonder, possibly aloud, before sealing their lips around the gun's cold, smooth shaft and blowing their brains out through the backs of their heads all over the mouldy tiled walls.
But citizens: it doesn't have to be this way. Thanks to the makers of Clearplay, you have hope. Here's how:
If you can't watch that video because your loser boss has blocked YouTube, Clearplay is a parental control DVD player which allows you to download filters that remove all of the explicit scenes from movies.
Or, as their website puts it (I bet you can't not read this in Sarah Palin's voice): "Clearplay is a DVD player that enables your family to enjoy all of the great Hollywood movies you've always wanted to watch – without all of the junk you don't want."
Obviously this is the most hilarious product that has ever been made by anyone ever and we ordered one immediately. We were a little put off at first as it will only censor certain movies, and almost all of those on our dream list of totally gnarly and disgusting films were not available.
But when you're as nitpicky as these guys are (I just looked at their listing for Gnomeo and Juliet, some of the many things it's edited for include Dysfunctional Relationships, War Themes, Revealing Clothing and Intense Life/Death Situations) it's bound to still be a treat. We're going to watch some films on it tonight, we'll get back to you with some reviews in the next couple of days.