I don't think I can do it anymore, guys. I have been living a lie. As a gay man with a lot of gay friends, I'd estimate that roughly 30 percent of my conversations are related to Beyoncé in some way. I went to Christmas parties where the only album played was 8 Days of Christmas, I made "poor Michelle" jokes, I even spent a month referring to the Superbowl as "the Beyoncé concert." But I think I'm finally ready to admit it: I really, really, really just don't give even the slightest of shits about Beyoncé.
Beyoncé mania is out of control. This GIF of Beyoncé partially removing a pair of sunglasses has over 4,000 notes. This one-minute video of her getting out of a car has been viewed nearly 40,000 times.
Sure, she's pretty. And she can sing. But so can everyone else who's ever made it to the final 20 on American Idol. And nobody gives a shit about them.
Beyond not caring about her, I think I may actually be starting to hate her. She's relentlessly inoffensive, and boring, and lame. Here's what annoys me the most about her:
SOMETIMES SHE TRIES TO BE DEEP, AND IT'S REALLY AWKWARD
Also, what paint store is she shopping at where she can't find colors that are beautiful enough to paint Jay-Z?
SHE'S A DANCE PLAGIARIST
SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE CAPITAL LETTERS
"What a proud day foR
AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN!!!!
Kelly, micHelle, ALicIA, JhuD
you are all Beautiful, talented
and showed so much clAss!
It was an honor to peRfoRm
at the SuperbowL wIth
you phenomEnal Ladies
SHE KINDA SEEMS LIKE SHE WOULD BE REALLY TERRIBLE TO HANG OUT WITH
Have you ever seen an interview with Beyoncé where she goes longer than ten seconds without talking about being "blessed" or "God's plan" or some other such schmaltzy nonsense? No, you haven't, because they don't exist.
Obviously there's nothing wrong with being religious (JK), but can you imagine how quickly you'd be eye-rolling your way outta the building if someone you know started talking like that IRL?
Seriously, watch the first 20 seconds of this video. "I think I'm a mermaid... Or I was a mermaid." What the fuck is she talking about? It's not even about God and it makes me wanna push her into the ocean to shut her up.
Again, imagine someone you knew started spouting out bullshit like that. Like, in front of your face. You would literally die from laughing at them so hard.
Every single word that comes out of her mouth is banal, Chicken Soup For the Soul drivel. Did you see that
pro-Beyoncé propaganda film documentary she just made? Where they had a couple of scenes where she pretended to be vulnerable and looked into the camera with perfect hair and tears in her dead eyes and said stuff like, "My life is a journey. It seems like I set a goal and some kind of way I accomplish it, and then I set another one. And my goal was trusting myself and my goal was growth."
It's like she learned how to show emotions from a press release.
THERE IS A THING CALLED THE "BEYONCÉ ARCHIVE"
From a profile on Beyoncé in GQ:
"[A] long, narrow room that contains the official Beyoncé archive, a temperature-controlled digital-storage facility that contains virtually every existing photograph of her, starting with the very first frames taken of Destiny's Child, the '90s girl group she once fronted; every interview she's ever done; every video of every show she's ever performed; every diary entry she's ever recorded while looking into the unblinking eye of her laptop... [it] also contains thousands of hours of private footage, compiled by a 'visual director' Beyoncé employs who has shot practically her every waking moment, up to sixteen hours a day, since 2005... The labeling, date-stamping, and cross-referencing has been under way for two years, and it'll be several months before that process is complete."
WHO DOES THAT?! Again, I want you to imagine someone you know. Just imagine a friend, any friend will do, and now imagine that person confessing to you "I have a temperature-controlled room in my house where I keep printed-out hard copies of all of my tweets and MP3s of every phone call I've ever made." You would be HORRIFIED. People get commited to psychiatric hospitals for WAY less than that.
KELLY ROWLAND IS HORRIBLE
I've never met Beyoncé. But I met Kelly Rowland when I was 15, and she was the worst.
I was an audience member on some TV show she was performing on, and there was a ten-minute period where she and I had to stand next to one another while we waited for her part to start taping (it was going out live). So I tried to make conversation with her, just like, "Oh hey, how's your day going?" or something, and she said to me, in the sweetest way possible, "I am so sorry sweetie, but I just need to sort something out over here real quick, just give me one second" – and turned away from me. But not like, to anyone or to do anything. She just turned to face a wall. And then she stood there, staring at the wall in total silence and ignoring me until it was time for her to sing. What a dick.
I know this has nothing to do with Beyoncé. But, ya know, birds of a feather.
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT