Shut Up, Stupid Nerds: I Love Shitty Pop Music

So, one real problem about writing for the internet is that the internet is a massive hairball on the sofa of life, compiled of cat hair, jizz, guys calling perfectly reasonably-sized women fat and people being snobby about music. And that hairball looooves to get mad. Please, internet, I'm asking you nicely: Try not to get mad about this.

I'm going to just come out and say it: I don't see what the big problem is with shitty, garbage, chip paper pop music. And I'm not talking about the pop songs it's been "OK" to like since the NME fell in love with Pete Doherty's contraband trilby and marginalised Pete Robinson so hard he went out and created Popjustice, like "One Thing" or "West End Girls" or "Deep". I'm talking about the new breed of pop, things that grown adults hate on kids for listening to now, not the shit grown adults listen to to help them remember what they were like as kids.

The vitriol for the ridiculous teenagers in fedoras who sing songs they didn't write and which have been auto-tuned to within an inch of their syncopated lives is so weird. What's the real problem there? Sure, most of their fans are crazed, hormonal 13-year-olds, and that's a bummer, but I don't see why it's wrong that I partake in a little 1D once in a while. I don't have a Miley Cyrus poster in my room, but I have listened to "Party in the USA" more times than I care to count. It's not that I don't like better music; on the contrary, I like lots of much better constructed, more interesting, technically cooler (whatever that means) artists. I just also like these guys:

Sure, going with the easy, catchy, shiny thing isn't always the right thing to do, but this is not a presidential election, it's my damn iPod and I'm not going to pretend my little sister put all that Bieber on there any more. Also, my little sister is 22, so that's getting less useful as an excuse.

Plus: I literally can't tell the difference between something it is "embarrassing" to like and something that's got cred, because the crossover between the two seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the day. Like, I love this, which is a few steps away from this, which is basically a hop, skip and some slurred vocals – and a tempo change, but chill out – away from this (kind of). Now remember what I said, nerds, try not to be mad. Unclench, breathe, get some fresh air. This is one woman’s opinion, and whatever, I love Sky F and also Grimes and JUST LET ME.

Have you ever tried making fun of a bro for liking Taylor Swift? Just try. They like her so earnestly and completely that they literally can’t comprehend why it might be lame to enjoy her music. When they listen to “We’re Never Ever Getting Back Together,” they freaking mean it. It’s like years of institutionalised homophobic tendencies just went out the window. “What’s the problem, guy? You can really feel her heartbreak. She makes a great tune!” Indeed, brosef, indeed. In the words of will.i.am Blake: if the ears of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is: a cool jam.

It's not a profound thing to say, but with a new pop generation gap starting to yawn, it's worth reiterating that ironic listening is not a thing. You just like it. Jepsen knows, and I know. (Except for that thing she did with Owl City, which you absolutely cannot like. Listening to stuff for fun is fine, but no one listens to pop music to hear a guy get instantly friend-zoned by millions of 13-year-old Christian girls.)

Follow Monica on Twitter: @monicaheisey

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