Accidents Happen If You're an Idiot

It's Friday night and time for a fight, if you're the kind of drunk idiot who finds joy in starting fights. If you're just a normal drunk idiot, then you'll probably end up hurting yourself in some way or other tonight anyway. Read these stories to give you some idea of what not to do.

Illustrations by Sam Taylor. Follow him on Twitter @sptsam or visit his website at samtaylorillustrator.com.

MY JELLIED EEL

One night out in Croatia, I drunkenly decided it was a great idea to have a very naked and very inebriated swim. Unfortunately – as I almost immediately discovered – stampeding around, rocking a rowing boat from side to side and shouting like the nude, British thug I was doesn't go down too well with the Croatian police. The appearance of shouty people in matching uniforms suddenly made me very aware of how naked I was and how terrifying Croatian police are, so I decided to swim quietly to a secluded part of the shore, in the hope I wouldn't be slung, naked, into a cell for the night.

As the water got to waist level and I was nearly safe and dry, I felt a weird tingle on my cock. Looking down, I discovered that it was now completely covered by a small jellyfish who had decided to hitch a free ride on my penis.

So, while I managed to succesfully avoid the police, I ended up spending the rest of the night with my cock so horrifyingly swollen that I was unable to sleep from the fear of it suddenly falling off.

Want more idiotic stories of people hurting themselves? Click through to the next page.