Internship available!

By Alex

121
Everyone has an intern these days. I feel like the only person left in this socially bankrupt world without an overeducated personal servant. I can’t go on like this. I’m just far too busy and important to not have a slave. I don't do this without any degree of guilt. After all, the only people who can afford to work for free – thus climbing the economic ladder and becoming successful – are middle-class, bourgeois scum who get handed money from their parents. So, unfortunately, whoever is lucky enough to get the position and meet my powerful friends will probably already be posh and minted. Apply beneath.

Intern needed twenty hours per week for writer/journalist/wasted loser. Tasks will include:

- Stroking my ego.

- Obsessively Googling my name.

- Sending (personal) emails on my behalf. (Don’t worry, I will dictate them to you.)

- Updating my Facebook status.

- Possibly Twittering (If you can explain to me what this is).

- Not speaking to me if/when we see each other at public events.

- Pleasuring me if I get horny (this normally occurs two to three times a day).

- Changing my tampons.

- Chewing my food.

- Walking my imaginary dog.

- Having sex with my boyfriend (when I’m tired and "not in the mood" after a hard day's work).

- Bending over and letting me sit on your back if I need a breather.

- Asking me questions I know the answers to, to make me feel smart.

- Cleaning cum stains off my clothes with a toothbrush (dry cleaning is too expensive).

- Surrogating my bastard army.

- Hating on my enemies.

- Doodling for me when I’m too busy.

- Dealing with my family at Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza .

- Alphabetising my pubic hair.

* Your expenses will not be paid.

** You will be expected to live in squalor.

Apply to ewwlikewhatever@gmail.com

KARLEY SCIORTINO

PS. THIS IS FOR REAL. NO TIME-WASTERS PLEASE!

By Alex 2 years ago

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