Exploring the Legendary Secret Menus of Glasgow's Fast Food Joints

There are, allegedly, secret menus in existence at the mega-scale, state-sized goliaths of the fast food world; special items you can only order if you know what you're asking for.

What's unusual is that the backdrop to these sordid little meals is almost always Glasgow. Apparently you can order everything from a McGangbang to a Leprechaun shake as long as you're in Scotland's biggest city. Earlier this month, a Glasgow local newspaper laid out all the different menu items available in the city.

All of which sounds slightly too good to be true. Is it really possible that global conglomerates with their hypersensitivity to dodgy publicity would really sanction burgers like the "McGangbang" (a chicken burger inside a double cheeseburger), or the "Suicide Burger" (four beef patties, four slices of cheese, bacon, and special sauce all jammed in between two sesame seed buns), regardless of how "secret" they're supposed to be? Also, why would Glasgow be the centre of all this, apart from the fact that it is already a cliché that all people eat there is deep-fried Buckfast with a side of eccies? It feels like the symmetry is just too neat: Glasgow, the only city in the UK with its own "effect", is also the only place you can buy a 10-stack Big Mac.

I wanted to go to Glasgow to find out, but before I did I got in touch with some of the bigger chains to find out what their official line on secret menus is. Slowly, the replies began to trickle in. They weren't promising.

Not exactly the most auspicious of starts, but it would make sense that these London headquartered multinationals wouldn't know about the fucked-up eating that happens north of the border. I would have to find out for myself.

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Arriving in Glasgow, we didn't have much luck. I asked for the Suicide Burger in one branch of Burger King but they said they didn't have it. In a McDonalds they told me the knew about the secret menu but it wasn't available at that branch. At KFC they told me they used to do "a mega zinger" but they're not allowed to anymore.

Basically, we knew that at some point, at some time, there had been a Secret Menu, but place after place told us they weren't allowed to serve it any more. It seems we had missed the moment.

We were about to give up when we decided to go for one last Burger King.

"Hi mate, we've been doing a piece about secret menus at fast food places. This is the last place we're stopping, just wondered if it's something you knew about at all? No worries if not."

"Eh, let me ask, one sec."

And ask he did. His manager came over, scoped the situation out. We explained again our mission, while they conferred for what felt like a two-minute decade. Finally, we got the nod.

"What do you want pal?" asked Jordan.

This was actually it. This was actually it. We may still not know the why, we never find out the how, but we have cracked the code: yes, Glasgow is home to the Secret Menu. It wasn't easy, it wasn't particularly fun, but it was true.

"Whatever you've got mate", I replied.

Now this is a picture of what I can only describe as five patties stacked together and smooshed in with cheese, bacon and not nearly enough relish. They said it wasn't quite the suicide burger because they were missing some bits, but it very nearly killed me.

Besides, it wasn't about the burger; the burger was immaterial (and disgusting). It was about the truth. And that truth is that while the trip, and the eventual success, might not wholly have been worth the effort, it is through the goodness of men like Jordan and the perseverance of dickheads like myself that we can silently subvert the "official" menus from those corporate bigwigs and taste something all of our own.

@frandgarcia1

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