This morning, I found this bag in my bin. It smelled like a wet dog covered in lube.I have no idea how it got there – the only way I can think of is that the previous owner was mugged, and it was dumped there by the assailants. Which is obviously very sad, but maybe you were the previous owner? If so, I would love to reunite you with your possessions. Do you recognise this stuff?
Is this your collar that I still can't believe I was willing to touch with my own bare skin?
Is this your child-sized sex suit?
Is this your assortment of restraining devices? How about that garter? Is it yours?
Are these your glass tube contraptions? Or are you at least able to tell me in the comments what they're for? Are they cum vials?
Are these your incredibly unsexy Gwen Stefani shoes?
Is this your well-chewed paddle? Is it?
Is this your cum-stained police uniform? Are you aware that impersonating an officer of the law is illegal?
Is this your disturbingly nobbly vibrator?
Is this your whip? Why is it so difficult to use?
Is this your hugely impractical bra?
What about this sad, greying strap-on? Is it yours?
Are these your handcuffs that you could escape from easily if you wanted to but you don't?
Seriously, is all this stuff yours? If it is, and you would like it back, get in touch. I'm very keen to get it all back to you. No questions asked.
MAC HACKETT
-
VICE News: Sisa: Cocaine of the Poor
A new drug called sisa is tearing its way through Athens' poor.
-
Dodging Water Cannons and Sound Bombs at Israel's Catastrophe Day
The Israeli police force still isn't warming to Palestinian protesters.
-
The Wizard of the Saddle Rides Again
The KKK protested renaming a park that memorialised one of the most infamous racists ever.
-
VICE on HBO Outtakes: Mormon Lost Boys - Nikita's Story
She spoke with us about her upbringing in a polygamous family.
-
Syria's Refugees Are Wedged Between Hells
Giles Duley spent part of last month in Zaatari Camp.
-
World Peace Update
Something about the cannibalism in Syria tells me we're not quite there yet.
-
VICE Loves Magnum: Peter van Agtmael Won't Deny the Strange Allure of War
Which is why his photos taken in post-9/11 warzones are the best.
-
VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
-
Professor Nutt Is Still Fighting Against the UK's 'Moronic' Drugs Laws
We interviewed the banished government "drugs tsar".
-
How to Be Happy in 25 Easy Steps
Well, maybe not that easy.
-
We Threw A Party For Our Favourite Illustrators
We might have learned our lesson.
-
Fashion Tidbits Roundup: Pristine Trainers Won't Fare Well in Your Disgusting Handbag
Also JW Anderson for Versus is here, and it's great.
-
'The Great Gatsby' Predicted the Future
We're living in the world Fitzgerald wrote of 88 years ago.
-
Rob Ford Might Be a Crack Smoker
What's the big deal? Everyone finds themselves in this position once in a while.
-
Milf Teeth: I Went To the Top of the Shard and Felt Feelings
The whole building is the punchline to someone else's joke.
-
Things You Should Stop Wearing Now You're a Graduate
Wearing disco pants when you're an unemployed adult is not okay.
-
Who Let the Great Gatsby Soundtrack Happen?
Do Fergie, Nero and Jay-Z really encapsulate the sound of the Roaring Twenties?
-
Meet the Malaysian Neo-Nazis Fighting for a Pure Malay Race
They realise that Nazis generally don't like Asian people, but apparently that doesn't matter.
-
Internet Terrorism Is Really Confusing
So I spoke to a couple of guys who helped me understand it a little better.
-
Photo Dump Vol. 119
More stupid pictures we found on the stupid internet.
-
VICE News: Sisa: Cocaine of the Poor
A new drug called sisa is tearing its way through Athens' poor.
-
VICE News: White Student Union - Trailer
A documentary about race, class and self-righteous college students yelling at each other.
-
Ben Anderson Is Doing a Reddit AMA Today
So you can ask him any questions you want.
-
Kai, the Hatchet-Wielding Hobo Wanted for Murder, Says He Was Drugged and Raped
It's a truly bizarre and tragic twist to the "homefree" tale of everyone's favourite hatchet-wielding hobo.
-
This Man Thinks He Never Has to Eat Again
Rob Rhinehart's vomit-coloured cocktail could change food forever.
-
Alex Miller's New Column: Lord, I Hate Camden Town
It's the graveyard of the fad.
-
How to Be Happy, Young and Jobless
A survival guide for when society thinks your life has no purpose.
-
Milf Teeth: The Notches On Your Bedpost Don't Mean Shit
Your sex gets better when you're learning with one person.
-
I Interviewed My Local UKIP Rep After I Got Him Sacked and Banned
Phillip Collins has been reinstated now, but things were still a bit awkward.
-
What's Going to Kill the House Revival?
Geeks? Shufflers? Americans? Tinchy Stryder?
-
Pretty Girl Bullshit: Is Snapchat Ruining People's Lives?
I'm worried that it is.
-
VICE News: Protest At Thatcher's Funeral
Some people enjoy booing coffins. We went to see just how many.
-
A Big Night Out... at the Worst Club Night Ever?
The "stars" from TOWIE and Milton Keynes, together at last.
-
Thatcher's War on Acid House
She may have got the Falklands, but she couldn't get the pillheads.
-
English Fascists Took Their First Beating of the Summer in Brighton This Weekend
That's what happens when bigots march in England's most liberal city.
Related Shows
-
Photo genius Richard Kern and his oft-nude models.
-
Penetrating the world of porn.
-
The sex ed. you never got in high school.
-
What the world does with its dinks and giners.
The Wizard Of The Saddle Rides Again
The dark specter of history in Memphis. 
Sisa: Cocaine Of The Poor
A new drug is tearing through Athens' poor. 
This Is What Winning Looks Like
Chaos and corruption in Afghanistan. 
On The Road With Tony Clifton
A piece of performance art outlived his creator. 
Animal Penises Are Super Weird
But cat penises are the worst. 
The Hatchet-Wielding Hobo Is Wanted For Murder
He says he was drugged and raped. 
Comments