Jamie Taete's Internet Landfill
CONTRIVED CONTROVERSY CAUSES KIRSTEN DUNST TO MALFUNCTION
As I'm sure you know, to coincide with the release of his new movie, Lars Von Trier said something wacky and offensive about Nazis. Clever chap. The unsung star of Lars' PR holocaust however was the woman sat next to him at the time, Kirsten Dunst. Dunst – who was born both pretty and famous – almost certainly has a PR person and a media trainer on her shoulders in place of the standard devil and angel. Watching this person whose entire life has been media managed trying to comprehend her director's wildly off-piste Hitler monologue is one of the most engaging things I have ever seen:
This is only funny until you realise that this is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to her in her entire, lovely, life. GIFs via FourFour.
CAST AND CREW OF ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT CREATE EPIC LIP DUB
I know I've posted a lot of lip dubs on this site, but this is the final one I swear. There's just something about forcing socially awkward people several hundred miles out of their comfort zone while they stare directly into the camera lens that makes me feel warm inside. This one was made by the 10,000 strong crew of Entertainment Tonight (seriously, how does it take that many people to make Entertainment Tonight?) and is basically the Russian Ark of cringe. I blame Glee for giving everyone confidence in themselves.
PERSON THAT I'M TOO LAZY TO GOOGLE LAUNCHES "PEJAZZLING"
I used to work at the Disney Store. Part of my job was going up to customers and trying to make them pre-order The Lion King on DVD by pretending to be REALLY REALLY excited about it. It usually went something like this:
ME: Hey guys! You've already pre-ordered your copy of the Lion King on DVD, right?
ME: Seriously? Woah... You are aware that you get a free limited edition Simba stuffed toy for just a £1 deposit, aren't you?
Having to be so false just to make money was a fucking soul-annihilator. So can you imagine what it must be like for whoever-the-fuck Mark Wright is? That's him up there in that photo. At the launch of something called "pejazzling" which, much like "vajazzling" exists entirely to be made fun of on blogs in the hopes that people might buy them as a jokey gift for a friend on their hen night. From the Daily Mail:
"Mark is, he says, 'keen to speak out' for the growing number of men he claims are Pejazzling.
'Women don't necessarily want a rough and ready man. Some prefer a man who's groomed and takes care of himself. It's each to their own,' he says."
Having to say that to another person, knowing that they will turn it into an article which will be seen by thousands of people including everyone you know? That's too awful to even think about.
SECRET-CAVE LIKE RESTAURANT TRANSPORTS DINERS TO ANOTHER WORLD
I realise that every single instinct you have will be telling you that this is a joke. But I'm 99.5% sure that they are 99.5% serious. Which means that there is still a scriptwriter out there who could write: "that arugula salad reminded me of when we were in Argentina" and still have the temerity to collect his paycheck.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE