Jason's Stuff - Lomo La Sardina 35mm Camera
Call me old-fashioned, call me nostalgic, just don't call me "Raquel": I don't do that any more (buh-domp-tsh!). Call me whatever you want, but I really dig analogue stuff. I don't go out of my way to find it, but when I do, I'm reminded of how cool stuff used to be before we all turned into gadget-obsessed automatons stuck on a one-way train to hell.
For example: Records and record players are awesome. Insanely impractical, yes, but nothing beats holding an album cover in your hands, or the warm crackle of the needle as it settles into its groove; that shit’s sublime.
I even like cassette tapes. Believe it or not, I actually had a cassette player as recently as eight years ago. My computer at the time crapped itself, leaving me with no music in my bedroom. My friend Janet said she had an old stereo I could have, a beat up five-disc thing with detachable speakers. The CD player didn’t work but the tape player did, so I went to a thrift store and found a bunch of old tapes: Crosby Stills, The Animals, Jefferson Airplane, all 50 cents each. It was nice listening to old tapes, and I found I didn’t miss my iTunes that much at all.
Of course I junked the whole apparatus when my new computer arrived three weeks later, but I still have fond memories of those three weeks. Very fond memories. In fact, here comes one of those memories now...
Her name was Kim or Karen or Kate and she had stopped off in New York for a week on her way from Australia to London. We met at a bar and, with the help of tequila and a joke about a bulldog that eats mayonnaise, I convinced her I was worth sleeping with. She came back to my apartment and we did it to The Doors: Live at Hollywood Bowl (on cassette). After I'd taken her to Xanadu and back for the third of fourth time, I got up on all fours and reached out in the dark to change the tape.
And that's when it happened. I felt the hair that grows in the crack of my ass being delicately caressed like wheat in a spring breeze. She was petting my ass hair with a curling "come-hither" motion of her finger. Frankly, I didn't like it. Some men enjoy a bit of butt-play; but personally I can't stand it. The fastest way to send me spinning into a black rage is to touch my asshole. In fact, if you want a room wallpapered with your own blood, entrails and caked hair, just come find me and start poking around my anus. It's like a nuke button. Fortunately for Katrina or Kate or whatever her name was, she didn't actually make contact with my cigar burn, so she was spared. However, I did ask her to leave immediately.
Anyway, I'm being side-tracked by my ass problems again. We're here to talk about this cool little 35mm camera Lomo just put out: The La Sardina, and also to drop a few cock gags.
Like I said, I enjoy all things analogue and one of my favourite analogue things is cameras. Digital cameras are great, but I can't help but feel I'm somehow being robbed. Waiting for these La Sardina pics to come back from the lab was actually exciting! Not 'night before Christmas 1984' exciting, but exciting nonetheless. I don't think I'm being sentimental, either; it's nice to have small things to look forward to. Like most people, I think about killing myself every single day. I can't walk into the kitchen without pausing to stare at the oven for a few minutes, and I think it's the little things – like waiting for photos to be developed – that keep me from putting my head in.
The La Sardina features a very large flash bulb which helps get great photos at night, and it also comes with a double exposure so you can overlay images and get all arty n' shit. I didn't really get into that, preferring to just go out with my buddy John and turn the awesome up to eleven (pictured). The La Sardina has a macro feature, too, so you can take pictures of really small things like the cocks and balls of spiders. It’s also good for capturing distant objects like mountains or lion’s balls. And, of course, it's good for snapping stuff that's not so far away, like a friend...'s balls. It's a fun little camera and I'm glad I got it for free. Oh! Almost forgot: it looks like a sardine can.