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Leather Daddy to Beat Lesbian in Uncle Sam's House

By VICE Staff

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gimp

Being Canadian, I don't really know how American politics work, but I still read more about them than Canadian politics because they're so goddamn entertaining. The most recent bit of juicy Canadian political intrigue I can remember is "Wafergate," in which it was alleged that our Protestant Prime Minister pocketed a communion wafer at a Catholic funeral. Scandal! By contrast, American politics are saucy as fuck even down at an insignificant level--especially in Illinois, where a prominent leather daddy stands poised to come from behind and beat a lesbian in some sort of election that is being held only for other countries' amusement.

Apparently Joe Laiacona found a loophole he could use to kick a well-heeled lady out of office and that's not so juicy but it gets better. He's openly gay, a pillar of the Illinois leather community, and, as an added bonus, he's pulling this electoral stunt off against an out lesbian. Hell, he writes a popular leather column, "a sort of Ann Landers in leather," as the story goes. He's written books too--not the usual politician-penned tomes of inspiration with names like Dreams of Hope or Congressional Commando or whatever, but a book called Philosophy in the Dungeon: The Magic of Sex & Spirit. Sold!

This sort of stuff would never fly in Canada. We can barely handle politicians who use the phrase "fuddle-duddle." In the States, they've got politicians who are horny wrestlers, sassy mercenaries, Sonny Bono, and yes, professional fuddler-duddlers.

The very closest Canada ever came to political relevance (read: media interest) was when Prime Minister Jean Chretien publicly choked some young guy. To my great sadness, and as final proof that Canada is not as cool or media-savvy as America, he did not then proceed to fuck the bejesus out of him.

Despite how great they are, I don't know a thing about American politics. I don't know what a "state representative" is. I don't even know the difference between Congressmen and Senators. In Canada, "Senators" are either hockey players or a bunch of people who make six figures a year because they're friends with the Prime Minister. Near as I can tell, American politics are organized to maximize the number of politicians, and thus, political scandals. It's a country where anybody can run for office, which is OK, but what's great is that everybody does run for office. Of course, Brazil is still miles ahead.

By VICE Staff 3 years ago
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