London - Gross Jar

It’s been a while since we visited our little friend. In fact, we’ve left him up there on the roof of the Old Blue Last (now fully re-opened) all summer.
We were a little reticent about visiting him after so long and quite scared at the sight / smells that would greet us when we got to him.

On first inspection we were a little disappointed with what had happened during our absence. It seems like somebody has been tampering with Gross Jar because the lid was loose and some of the noxious gases within had escaped.
On closer inspection we found that the mixture of piss, pig, pigeon, apple juice, tongue of ox and tripe had reduced down to a fleshy / orangey tiramisu of putrefaction. Just imagine plunging your spoon into and gulping down a large mouthful of that good stuff. Mmmmmm. Keen to add some texture to this largely formless mass, we got our intern Tom Russell to trim some of his ginger pubic hair into the top of the jar and then he jabbed at a blister on the back of his heel with a rusty badge. The ensuing pus was duly squeezed on top of the pubes so as to ingratiate them better with the warm, wet mass below. Tom dry-heaved a couple of times but there was no puke. We obviously need to step up our game a little bit here. Suggestions to john@viceuk.com please.