Look At All This Amazing Stuff We Got Sent
You wanna know why working at a magazine is the greatest job in the world? Because you get sent tons of amazing free shit. Like erm... Oh wait, we get sent nothing good, ever. Here are the four worst promotional items we were sent in the last week.
1. THIS CREATIVELY PACKAGED PROMO CD
Emotionally, I'm a fucking armadillo. It's not very often something is able to break through my tough exterior and speak directly to my soul, so imagine my surprise when an inquisitive little press release managed to do just that:
- "What ever happened to the Avalanches second album?"
- "Will 2 Many DJ’s ever release another mix compilations?"
- "Is Sonny J a one hit wonder?"
These are the questions that cut-up and sample-head music fans have been asking themselves for years. However, the question that will be on everybody’s lips in the months to come is…
Who the fuck is Sonny J? No:
- "Have you heard the Unknown Stuntman Album?"
You are holding a promo copy that is accompanied by a can of special Stuntman Artois for you to enjoy as you listen. And also a savoury Stuntman snack item. Please give it a listen. Steve Lamacq and Zane Lowe have listened in the past and played his singles so do not miss out."
All these years I've been warding off the hangover fear by telling myself that MY SKULL IS AN IMPENETRABLE BONE FORTRESS THAT NO OTHER HUMAN BEING CAN POSSIBLY LOOK INSIDE OF, but holy shit, these guys read my mind! How could they possibly know that sometimes I can't sleep at night because my entire body is shaking with anxiety over the whereabouts of the next Avalanches album? Creepy.
As I'm not one to argue with Zane Lowe, I put in my headphones, cracked open my free lad's lunch, and gave the album a listen...
When I was 15, I used to hang around with this guy called Dean. He was 25, and my parents thought it was super weird that he wanted to hang out with me and my other teenage friends. But I didn't care. Dean had a car and a flat and, most importantly of all, he had absolutely no qualms about buying us hash and alcohol. I thought he was fucking awesome, and hoped that I could be as epic as him when I got to his age. The only downside was the music he played while we'd drive around in his car. I'm not entirely sure what the genre was – it was kind of vaguely trip-hoppy, and each track lasted about 25 minutes – but I do know that it sucked. That's what this music sounds like. Only this time it's coupled with the realisation that my parents were right all along: Dean was a fucking loser. I mean, why else would a 25-year-old man hang around with a gang of impressionable 15-year-old boys?
2. THIS SHIT GRAPHIC DESIGN
Some dude tweeted this image that he "crafted" at us, in order to help Japan. Well actually, he didn't just tweet it at us:
I'm sure the people who lost their husbands, wives, kids, dogs, friends, houses, workplaces and everything they own recently will be buoyed when they learn of your drawing of a heart with their tsunami-ravaged country on it, Zakrazzle. You could have at least pretended you had interests beyond your graphic design career by sticking a bitly link to the Red Cross in there or something. I guess you were relying on the fact that nobody would call you out, because how you gonna hate on charity? (This is the reason both Children in Need and Comic Relief still exist.)
But I'm afraid that's something we're going to have to start doing – otherwise tools like Zakrazzle will continue to piggyback on large scale tragedy to advertise their own "art", and entire evenings of TV will continue to be dedicated to the fact that Lenny Henry sounds slightly funny when he does the voice of a black woman.
3. THESE ROYAL WEDDING T-SHIRTS
Giving people an opportunity to take part in the democratic process through the medium of limited edition graphic tees? And they said there was no way to get the youth into politics!
That's right: anarchists love people who seek to replace one ruling class with their own dictatorship before initiating Catholic genocide. Cromwell fucking loved Twiglets. Twiglets and Cromwell. That's anarchy. Maybe if Unknown Stuntman knew that he wouldn't have tried to palm me off with Mini Cheddars: the opiate of the masses.
(PS: when, only one person in an entire office of people is willing to model one of these shirts with their face uncovered, it might be time for a redesign.)
4. THIS RIDICULOUS SEX COMIC
Man when I got this, I became so absorbed by my own libidinous fury that I yanked down my pants right there in the office and... Oh no wait, I didn't, I just went to Amazon to see if I could force out the sick lodged halfway up my throat by finding a second-hand market for wank comics.
Take this as a warning to raise your games, PR companies. By this time next week I want to be playing X-Box in a holiday apartment in Barceloneta feeding my new pack of black Alsatians those new orange packets of Starburst that are "The Best Sweets Ever Made" - VICE *****.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE