Meet the Nieratkos - Hunter S Thompson Cop Party
Are you familiar with the Hunter S. Thompson book Curse of Lono? It’s the tale of Ralph Steadman’s family and Thompson going to Hawaii to cover a foot race and getting trapped in a monsoon. Antics, naturally, ensue. But what is unknown to most is that there is a missing chapter to the book. No bullshit.
I visited the Vans showroom yesterday. Up until then I thought I understood how shoes are made then I saw this shit and now I’m confused all over again.
When I was 19, I worked with a surfer pal at a skateshop in New Brunswick, NJ. This fellow got me into reading Thompson‘s work. Las Vegas was his first suggestion since at the time I had a serious drug problem going that kept me up days at a clip. Lono was his second recommendation. When I was done with the book he told me this little anecdote about the missing chapter. (I assure you this is no bullshit like the “Lost Bukowski” nonsense someone blogged on here on April Fools.)
In the book there is a wild and crazy fishing boat captain that Thompson gets weird with. That fishing boat captain is the father of the woman who would go on to become my friend’s wife. And the details of his and Thompson’s adventures are so watered down and diluted in the book that they are nearly fodder for children’s books in comparison to the true stories. What had happened was that Thompson sent the Captain a manuscript to read with one chapter dedicated to the gory details of their drug-filled boat rides. The Captain didn’t much care for these details being shared and so when Thompson called to ask what he thought the Captain insisted that Thompson return to Hawaii so that they could discuss it in person.
This is some arts and crafts the baby and me made with the swooshes I ripped off my shoes.
As the story goes, the Captain poured Thompson a glass of brandy (Coincidentally, the name of the Captain’s daughter.) and as Hunter looked up from his snifter he locked eyes with the barrel of a shotgun. The Captain made it clear that the chapter on him needed to be removed from the book. And it was. And is locked away under safe keeping in Hawaii. Perhaps there are other copies somewhere, perhaps this story is already known. I don’t know. I don’t keep on such things. I haven’t really thought about it in nearly 15 years and the only reason I bring it up is because last week I went to my brother-in-law to-be’s bachelor party on a fishing boat.
My brother-in-law is a cop.
Most of my brother-in-law’s friends are cops.
And all I could picture in my head when I heard I’d be out to sea with a boatful of cops was that scene in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas when Thompson is high as a kite in a room full of DEA Agents.
This is my friend 9-Toe Joe. He only has nine toes.
A feeling of dread overtook me. I’m not sure why. I don’t do drugs anymore and I am generally a law-abiding citizen--they can’t arrest you for immoral or criminal thoughts. Yet there I was on the bow of the boat with my line cast out looking over my shoulder as if I was watching for cops in my rear view. I threw a full beer into the bay out of force of habit of not wanting to be arrested for drinking and… boating?
Did I mention there were two strippers on the boat? There were. Do you know what chum looks like? I’d put money on the fact that you would be more inclined to get a boner over chum then these two. The black girl had a good body but her face looked like my friend Clyde Singleton’s, so I couldn’t even look at her. The other one wore a girdle that shouldn’t have been removed but sadly was. Everything on her was fatty. Even the area surrounding her va-jay-jay was puffy and fatty. It was the first time I can say that I’ve witnessed grown men more interested in fishing than naked women.
The highlight for all of us was when the seasickness set in mid-lesbian show and the black one puked on the fat one’s crotch. It was the only round of applause they earned.
As we clapped and laughed I thought to myself, "I found that to be funny. And these cops found that to be funny too… Are we so different?”
This is what the baby is wearing for my brother-in-law’s wedding next Friday
For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com