Meet the Nieratkos - It's a boy!/girl!
Vice is a fucking jinx. I’ve known it for years but I’ve done my best to not let it get to me, but enough is enough. I can’t live like this! Friday the new Technology Issue comes out announcing to the world that Crissie and I are having a baby and wouldn’t you know, the very next night she had to get rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. WTF? She was doing fine!
She was buckled over, immobile, in pain, dying. She kept telling herself it was gas to stay positive but in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I once ate 40 White Castle cheeseburgers in one sitting and never had no gas like that, man."
After a battery of tests the pain started to subside. The doctor informed us that it was a kink in her round ligament. Minor. Her uterus shifted and the ligament got pulled and that’s what caused the pain. It's supposed to go away in a few days. I thought the funniest thing about the whole part was when I had to take off my wife’s pants and panties and she apologized to the nurses for not shaving in a few days.
I told my porn star friend Joanna Angel about it and she said when I’m in LA next month for the Vans Pro Tec Pool Party I can practice shaving girl-crotch on her so I can be ready and knowledgeable when my wife needs me to get in there and clean up the shrubs.
This week, on the holiest of stoner holidays, 4/20, (Hitler’s Birthday) we went to the doctor's to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl so I know whether to paint the baby’s room pinkish black or bluish black. We took my 80-year-old grandmother and my mother-in-law. My grandmother had never seen such technology.
She had all of her kids in her farmhouse in Portugal. She told us how they had no such thing as maternity clothes. They wore the simple field worker dresses they always wore throughout the pregnancy. She cried when she saw the baby’s face. I don’t know what she’d imagined the ultrasound would be like but she said she never thought the picture could be so crisp and clear.
[flv:http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_what_manner_beast.flv http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_what_manner_beast.jpg 360 270]
I guess it wasn’t as clear for the technician, because when the baby rolled over to show us its naughty bits she said, “Ok…looks like… it’s…a…GIRL!” We screamed with joy. “YES! It’s a GIRL!”
Then the tech was like, “Oh, wait a second…no. It’s not a girl.” She highlighted the penis on the screen, “It’s a BOY!” Again we screamed with joy, “YES! It’s a BOY!”
And that means we don’t have to name it Chloe. Next time maybe but this time, this time it’s a junior: Christopher James Nieratko II. Chris. Cris. And Chris.
We’re happy as hell as we pack up our things to go swimming in the Bay of Pigs this week.
Some readers have been begging me to post some pornographic photos of my wife and I like to make people happy, so here are the two most pornographic photos I’ve ever taken of Crissie. The first is my sexy wife with a tower of meat at our friend’s wedding. I don’t know which I desire more.
My wife is a vegetarian and the thought of having both, at the same time, maybe while my wife munches down on some prosciutto…well that is the stuff wet dreams are made of. The second photo is of the only time I have ever and will ever get to see a woman slide her fingers into my wife’s vagina.
I don’t care how clinical it looks…standing there, taking that photo, I got such a boner.