Meet The Nieratkos: M.O.R.E.

When I was younger, I skated with a fat kid named Fat Matt who had a stuttering problem. He was the best dude. So jolly. He couldn’t ollie but he could do the craziest step-off tricks. One time he fell hard at a skate contest and someone videotaping him jokingly asked, “You OK, Fat Matt?” His response was, “Puh-p-p-p-p-pah… FUCK YOU.” Classic. Ever since then I’ve been looking for another jolly fat kid to replace the void that Fat Matt left. Last November I found him and, OMG, his name was Matt. Fat Matt was back!

And although this Fat Matt (ace skateboard photographer Matt Price) didn’t have a stuttering problem, he was super-duper ticklish (which is a better super power for a fat kid to have because, with a stutter, an outsider can’t really capitalise on that, but tickling is fun for everyone—anyone could start tickling and make someone laugh!). Me and my wife were locked in a van with Matt in the UK for ten days and we tickled him every single day, all day, and he loved it so much.

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Aside from being ticklish, Matt is also super good at eating and so I started calling him M.O.R.E., after the genius rapper. I am currently working on a book of photos of Matt eating around the globe. When I went to Australia in March with him I got so many great shots. He doesn’t believe me but he has forgotten that I just bought a crazy zoom lens. I poached photos of him eating from up to 300 yards away. I also have a small collection of photos of Fat Matt macking on girls. He is very suave for his size.

A few days ago Matt decided to come stay at my house so I could feed him. He was staying in Williamsburg but he said it sucked because no one was feeding him or tickling him. I told him to come down and I’d take care of him. I picked him up and on the radio was the newish Springsteen song “Radio Nowhere”. Whenever Bruce would sing the line, “I just want to hear some rhythm, I just want to hear some rhythm, I just want to hear some rhythm!” I would turn to Fat Matt and sing, “I just want to eat some dinner, I just want to eat some dinner, I just want to eat some dinner!” He L-O-V-E-D it.

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In the three days he’s been here I have taken him for ice cream seven times. We have also stopped and purchased ice cream to have at the house in the freezer for when Matt has bad dreams and wakes up scared. The ice cream makes it all go away.

I wish Matt never had to leave. Just having him around the house to feed and tickle puts a smile on my face. Yesterday I was stressed out over some shop shit and I was losing my mind and Matt came out from the basement and said, “Do we have any more ice cream left???” Oh, Matt.

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Then we went to shoot a skate photo of Ron Deily and I sang, “I just want to eat some dinner!” the whole way. I forgot all my worries. At the spot, Matt laid on his belly when taking the photo just so I could sit on his back and tickle him.

Matt is the best guy in the whole world.

I want to keep him.

But my wife says I can’t.

She sucks.

CHRIS NIERATKO

(PS. A girl recently interviewed me about sex. I told her I plan to snort Cialis off my wife’s butt when she’s 90. I’m a hopeless romantic.)

For more stupid, go to chrisnieratko.com