Meet the Nieratkos, part 4: Poopy
Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as
Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Either way, Vice has found me, my wife of the same name (Cris), our dog Benny and my wife’s retarded (literally) Uncle Lonnie interesting enough (maybe stupid is a better word) to share our life with you on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy.
But I know you won’t because you’re so tragically hip that you can’t enjoy the comedy of domesticity. Oh well. Tough titty.
I've contracted some sort of AIDs as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before. The other night my father-in-law made me a birthday dinner of sausage and pasta. I ate like I was going to the electric chair. That night I was awoken at 3 AM by a text message from my ass that said, “Meet me in the bathroom! We’ve got problems.” Oh and boy did we have problems. Whatever came out of my ass was the exact same color grey as the sausage I’d eaten earlier. Looking down at it from an upright position caused me to instantly vomit uncontrollably. The splash from the vomit hitting the toilet sent poo water into the air like a geyser, coating my face, making me vomit again.
The past 24 hours I have been buckled over in pain alternating between vomiting, shitting, sweating and freezing. My wife seems to think I have the flu but I know it’s a result of the sausage. The mere thought of it makes me want to puke again.
So I apologise... I’ve got nothing to say. Instead here’s a video of my dog licking my tongue (after he ate cat poop) (just kidding) and Lonnie getting fed and trying to put a cork in a bottle.
[flv:http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_Cork_Lores.flv http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_Cork_Lores.jpg 360 270]
[flv:http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_FeedLonnie_Lores.flv http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_FeedLonnie_Lores.jpg 360 270]
I feel awful about how dull and boring this is but a friend of mine said I shouldn’t worry too much about it because 99 percent of blogs and personal journals have zero points of interest. So I guess I’m like everyone else now.
[flv:http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_Benny_Lores.flv http://www.viceland.com/UK/video/VICEUK_Skinema_Benny_Lores.jpg 360 270]
Next week is going to be good though, I promise. Me and Jesse Pearson are filming a reenactment of Lonnie shitting on my mother-in-law's carpet tomorrow. We also plan to interview (interrogate?) Lonnie about the incident. So that should be entertaining.