Meet the Nieratkos - Star Wars XXX

I remember the first time it moved and when it first involuntarily spit at me like it was yesterday. The year was 1983, Ronald Reagan was in the White House, and I was seven years old. My mom took me to see Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into the film Princess Leia was wearing next to nothing, leaning against Jabba the Hutt in her classic gold bikini. At that moment it stood at attention. I thought Salacious B. Crumb had crept up my pant leg and was in my trousers. I looked down at my zipper to try and understand what the hell was going on. Was someone using The Force on my wiener?

The following year I subconsciously fell in love with Tony Danza's TV tomboy daughter, Samantha, played by Alyssa Milano. The show had only aired twice before I experienced my first nocturnal emission dreaming of her. I thought I'd been shot in the dick in my sleep. I read a lot of comic books, so it made sense that I could bleed white.

Nearly three decades later I still get a boner when I think about either fictional character. I'm clearly not the only one, based off the 685,000+ views the trailer to the first of three Star Wars XXX sex parodies Vivid is releasing has received. (Sadly, Alyssa Milano is not set to appear in any of them.) Unlike the actual Star Wars franchise, Vivid, found a director in Axel Braun that cared about the fan's opinion, the storyline, and continuity. There will be no Jar Jar Binks appearances from Vivid, ever. What you get instead is painstaking attention to detail and fantastically nerdy, insider jokes from start to quit as well as some Star Wars sex scenarios even I hadn't thought of.

I had a chat with Star Wars XXX's director, Axel Braun.

VICE: Vivid founder Steven Hirsch said, "Star Wars XXX is destined to be the best selling adult parody ever." It seems like such a no-brainer blockbuster hit. Why the wait to make it?
Axel Braun: An undertaking of such grandiose scale required every detail to be meticulously planned. That meant finding the right cast, the right locations, the right jokes—and since I shoot about 40 movies a year, the physical time in my schedule.

Were you a Star Wars fan growing up, and did you have fantasies about having sex with Princess Leia? In which outfit?
I think most Star Wars fans have at some point fantasized about Princess Leia in every possible outfit, even though I'm sure the gold bikini is at the top of everyone's list. Luckily for them we are already in pre-production with Empire and Jedi XXX.

What were the hardest parts about making this film?
Putting it together was crazy, shooting it was insane, and post-production was a nightmare. What was the question again?

It boasts the highest budget of any porn movie ever made. How much was spent in making this thing?
Enough to blow away any porn movie ever made.

Any reaction from Lucas or his camp?
No, but I'm hoping they like it. And buy it.

Did you try to hire any out-of-work actors from the original Star Wars films to make cameos?
No, but I did hire the hottest porn actresses in the business. That seemed like a better idea.

Did the girls get hairballs in their throat blowing Chewbacca?
Totally. Wookie sex is messy.

Why no Ron Jeremy as Jabba The Hutt?
Um… because Jabba the Hutt is not in the first Star Wars movie? But Ron is gaining weight right now to play Jabba in Return of the Jedi XXX, which we are shooting in July.

What are your thoughts on Lucas' Star Wars prequel trilogy?
Sadly, the same tragic thoughts as most hardcore Star Wars fans.

Can we expect a senior citizen cast as The Emperor for the JEDI XXX sex scene?
I'm not sure. But you can expect a trilogy of sexy, funny, and incredibly well made adult parodies.

What has the fan reaction been?
20,000 DVD's sold in 48 hours. I'm cautiously optimistic.

If you're in LA tonight they're having a Star Wars porn party that sounds interesting.
To purchase or download Star Wars XXX go to Vivid.com
More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com
Follow Chris on Twitter: @Nieratko

Previously – Bears Are Not Dinosaurs