Meet the Nieratkos - The Origin of Hitler
Did I tell you that I made a major groundbreaking discovery on Hitler recently? I did. Not sure how historians missed it (perhaps they didn't, since I don’t read books, I wouldn’t know.) But thanks to a recent archaeological study funded by Vans I was able to learn how it was that Hitler was able to come into power.
So back in early April I was on that Vans AM trip from Vegas to Phoenix with AUSTRIAN skater Chris Pfanner and I was standing near him when he was speaking to his girlfriend on a cellphone.
I tried to listen in on the conversation.
In doing so I became aroused.
My pants nearly fell off my body at the language he was speaking.
When he got off the phone I asked him what language it was.
"German," he said.
"No, German sounds awful and harsh." I replied.
"No. It was German, maybe it just sounds better from an Austrian," was his explanation.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
Being Austrian and speaking this warm, almost sensual version of German is how Hitzey was able to convince a nation to follow him. He just sounded nice. And sweet. And charismatic. The Germans weren’t listening to his words, just the way the words sounded. By the time anyone took note of what Hitler was actually saying it was a bit too late and a few million people were dead. I can only imagine the awkward laugh that came out of some of those Germans when they realized, “SAY! WAIT A SECOND! THIS GUY ISN’T NICE AT ALL!”
Funny that it took two skateboarders and a twelve-pack in the middle of the Nevada desert to make this discovery that historians probably should have caught ages ago. No matter. Please submit this blog to whatever committee gives Nobel prizes in this field. I will make room on my bookcase for it.
The reason I remembered to tell you of my incredible find now and not two months ago when it happened was because I had just gone to my old friend Dave Hatalla’s baby Brayden’s baptism on Sunday. (It was at an Episcopalian Church which didn’t permit photos during the ceremony and I got yelled at for trying to take one. I didn’t know the rules. They were not posted. I wanted to ask the priest what the deal was. I planned on saying, “You know they let people take photos of the Mona Lisa, right? What do you think is so great in this church that you need to protect?” But I didn’t. I just went to the reception and drank beer and shot guns.)
Dave’s brother, is high-ranking badass in the Army and he was stationed in Germany for a while before getting sent to Iraq and Afghanistan to eradicate our enemies. (I’ve asked him many times how many people he’s killed but he won’t tell me. In case you wanted a head count.) Well, he is being sent back to Germany soon to train soldiers and it made me remember my theory. I shared it with him and told him feel free and take it back to Germany, run it by some Krauts and see if it holds water.
I also told him the only two words I know in German are submarine and dick, which in the right conversation can come in very, very handy.
He told me that when he was returning to The States that my book Skinema was a possible pornographic problem and he had to leave it behind.
It makes me happy to think that soldiers somewhere are getting a laugh from me before they go off to battle.
It doesn’t sit too well that they might also be masturbating to the photos of my wife’s ass. But I guess you can’t win them all.
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