Meet the Nieratkos - Why's my Back all Wet?

I have disappeared from your lives for two weeks and no one bothered to even call to see if I was OK. Yous guys are a bunch of dicks. I was going to throw a party and invite you but THE PARTY IS OFF! Not that you care but here’s just a few things I’ve done since last we spoke: fought my wife, interviewed a skate rapper, got sad over Italy and sadder over blow jobs, etc, etc.

My sister got married two weeks ago. Two days later was my wife’s first mother’s day as a part of the Mom Brigade. I made her blueberry pancakes and the baby gave her a diamond necklace. It was another day in paradise.

By morning we were no longer talking and she hated me and felt that way up until a few days ago. Seems after nine years of being together I’d been pushed to the brink by the constant insanity that her family lays on our doorstep (Ever cut down and destroy a marijuana farm with your mother-in-law? Good times. Try it.) and forgot the fact that you do not only marry the woman (or man), you also marry their entire family.

So yeah, we’ve since patched things up, but I was so mental the past two weeks that I am having a hard time remembering what I did. Thus the title of today’s post. One of my favorite movie lines ever from a lesser known 80s comedy starring Bill Murray’s brother, John Murray, called Moving Violations. A little old blind lady is confused and doesn’t know how she got in the men’s room or why she’s sitting and pissing in a men’s urinal. She asks, “Why’s my back all wet?”

I often ask that question of people when I am confused. It generally confuses them and levels the playing field.

Here’s the trailer:

I do know that I made this video making fun of people who use footage of people assembling their skateboards in skateboard videos:

I also reviewed this new Mike Patton record and bummed people out.

And then I got bummed out thinking about Joanna Angel. And wrote this.

Then I interviewed an insane skateboarder who was making $50,000 a month and turned his back on it all TO BECOME A RAPPER! Needless to say that didn’t work out and now he’s broke and back to skating.

Here’s the absurd audio:

[audio: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/files/2010/05/jr-blastoff1.mp3]

[audio: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/files/2010/05/jr-blastoff-2.mp3]

[audio: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/files/2010/05/jr-blastoff-3.mp3]

[audio: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/files/2010/05/jr-blastoff-41.mp3]

Then I got this story in the mail from The Skateboard Journal in Australia that I wrote last year about me and my good buddy, Chris Marshall, who passed away seven years ago, trying to get a hooker in New Orleans…

At some point Fuel TV called and asked if I’d be the Walt ‘Clyde’ Frasier to Jeff’s Pang’s Marv Albert and do live color commentating of The Maloof Money Cup skate contest in Queens on June 5th & 6th. I’m pretty sure I agreed to that.

Aside from that I tried to convince Vice UK editor Andy Capper to ditch his assignment in Croatia in July and instead meet me and my wife and kid in Portugal. I said, “Why don't you do one of those, ‘got on the wrong plane’ stories people love so much? Perhaps never let on that you’re in the wrong country... say, 'They’ve done miracles in cleaning up the dilapidated buildings and having architects refurbish them to appear as if they were hundreds of years old castles...'”

I have a feeling he’s going to do it. Fuck Croatia!

Aside from that I leaned back on my desk chair and went ass over tea kettle and hit my head and knocked myself out yesterday. It may have something to do with the memory loss. Perhaps not very exciting, but who doesn’t like slap-shtick comedy?

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com