More Bribes From The Gap Year Factory
Screw Australians and their marketing genius. First they run the most successful viral promo of all time by advertising for someone to get a job doing a blog of their life spent chilling-hard on a fantasy island off the Great Barrier Reef and now they're attempting to remove even more of Britain's precious human beings with more carefully-placed pseudo-articles in our national broadsheets.
The Independent, with all the #wankyballs research integrity it can muster, has been the first to bite at this: the South Australian government's latest attempt to trick humans into resettling on its barren, lunar landscape. As everyone knows, if the British population ever dips below 60 million, then the post will stop being delivered, the hospitals will immediately close, and there will be martial law. So it's vital that we conserve all of our worker-ants.
The piece hinges on a survey the provincial government has done - about how many millions of Britons are bored in their jobs. Wrexham and Coventry are apparently the worst places to work, and “those bored with their work said it rarely pushed them outside their comfort zone, while 71% said they never had an opportunity to escape the office”. The most boring sectors to work in? Electronics, administration, call centre work, and retail. The improbable solution? Get yourself to South Australia on a working-holiday visa – there you can win the chance to be a “shark tagger”, a “Fairy Penguin home remodeler”, a “shark personality profiler at Port Lincoln”, a “koala catcher”, or a “roo poo harvester”.
These are the jobs you can win. Of course, the job you will more likely end up with will involve living in 50 degree heat in a steel dunny in the sands of Olonglongolonglongtoolong with only a woman breastfeeding an alligator for company.
South Australia's London-based agent-general Bill Muirhead (also patroniser-in-chief) says “Life seems to be dealing workers a rough hand at the moment. Not even the recent sunny weather has managed to cheer up the Brits.”
Right, Bill Muirhead. I don't know exactly which of the Walkabouts in Earl's Court you're going to be drinking at tonight, but you'd better watch out because you're about to get glassed by 60 million angry Brits. Do you know how it feels to get glassed by 60 million angry Brits who've just had their patriotism pissed on? It's no fun, believe me.
The Indy further reports:
“The South Australian government launched [this] campaign to poach stressed and bored Brits, advertising a range of jobs 'in stark contrast to the UK's long working hours, high taxes and increasing retirement age'.”
What Australians seem to have missed, with typical braggadocio, is that even if you worked in a call centre in Wrexham and prayed for death at the start and end of every shift, you'd almost certainly pray for death on British soil. I know that were I out profiling the personality of a shark as part of some kind of shark-CSI team on the deck of a yacht in a bright blue coral sea off Port Lincoln, I’d be thinking: “I wish I was at The Arches Shopping Centre in Bromley, browsing mobile phone contracts in Carphone Warehouse”. It's only human nature.