An Interview With My Coke Dealer

We’ve all got dealers we like to call “our guys,” but aside from their numbers, general delivery hours, and where they usually are at 1:30 AM Saturday morning, how much do we really know about them? I was introduced to my current guy through a mutual friend. I’ve been calling him for over a year and he’s always been reliable as well as super friendly, so I figured maybe he would actually let me sit down with him and get acquainted. It probably helped that I told him I’d double my usual purchase. Vice: How’s it going? Coke Guy: It’s going all right, taking it easy. What did you want to be when you were a kid? I wanted to be an astronaut or a pilot. I just like the sky. I was always into space movies and sci-fi. So do you like what you do now? Yeah. I enjoy it, you know? I know guys who got into it and don’t like it. They just need the money, and they’re always stressed out thinking about the consequences. But me, I really like doing it. What’s the secret to dealing drugs but not becoming a paranoid lunatic? Just keep a tight, tight group. I don’t associate myself with a lot of people. You only ever see people get into trouble because of someone else opening their mouth. Cops never know what’s going on until somebody talks. Do you ever have deliveries where you’re like, I have a bad feeling about this? Yeah, I get that feeling once in a while. And sometimes you can start to feel like you’re invincible. It’s easy to forget that you’re doing something illegal. It becomes as normal as getting up and drinking a glass of water. Are your parents around? Do they know? My dad was never around. My mother had suspicions when I was living with her. I think she has an idea, but she doesn’t ask. I just make sure to not make it obvious that I make a certain amount of money. I take off my jewelry when I’m at home and if someone needs a ride I tell them I don’t have a car. So what do you tell her is going on? Oh, well, I work. I went to school and have had a real job for about ten years. So you were legitimately working before you started dealing? Yeah, it’s good to have something else going on. The person that brought me into this grew up in the middle of it, all the way uptown where it was drug infested. But I didn’t grow up around it. I was going to school and into TV and movies, but then I started hanging out with him more and the rest is history. Have you ever had a customer you had to cut off because he was spinning out of control? Yeah, there was one guy who got to the point where he would try to give me stuff from his apartment. He’d offer his TV, anything he could to get some. And look, we’re here to make money, not to fuck up people’s lives. I didn’t want this dude to be out on the street. He must have also been getting stuff from other people too ’cause it got to the point where you would go to his apartment and it was just a futon on the floor and nothing else. I stopped dealing with him. I heard from someone that he eventually went to rehab and moved in with his parents. What about weirdo customers, have you got a lot of those? There’s one who stands out. He’s this gay guy I deal to and he has this thing with suits and tuxes. I come over one night at three in the morning and he’s fully dressed up, and he has a suit laid out for me to wear. And, like, to fuck in. He’s usually a cool dude, but I think he’d probably been drinking and taken a lot of stuff before he called. I was like, “It’s cool, dude, but that’s just not my thing.” It was way too weird. He still calls me. Do you go back? Yeah, yeah. He’s cool, but once he gets in those moods he turns into suit man. OK, one last question: Just to quash the myth once and for all, are there baby laxatives cut into our coke? Look, they put a bunch of shit in there depending on where you get it from, but I never heard about fucking baby laxatives.

Did you enjoy that? Sure you did. Now check out:

Does Cocaine Make You Smarter?

Killer Cocaine

Know Your Drug Lingo