Everyone knows fluorescent knee-high socks are pretty sweet when you’re looking to seduce a Japanese guy or Elmo. But they’re also pretty sweet if you have the IQ and curiosity of a dog, and you end up with your ankles akimbo and your head lodged between two rocks on a beach with the tide coming swiftly.
You see, a while ago, a 16-year-old girl in Kent with her head buried between rocks was saved when someone who saw her silly socks. I was reminded of this story this morning when someone on the radio was talking about their son getting their head stuck in their fence. Anyway, this all made me realise how dangerous it is to have your head stuck right out there, just waiting to get it lodged between shit. I can’t remember getting my head stuck in anything as a child, but maybe that’s because I was so greasy I just slipped out of any crevice I was in. Now I’m grease free maybe I’m fucked.
Here are five sucky places to get your head stuck in. I’m going to wear colourful socks every time I’m near them.
A gigantic rubber boot
The turnstiles of a Scottish football match
A chair
The beak of a large pelican
Your own ass
BENJAMIN COHEN
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