New York - The Dos and Don'ts of Winning His Heart

By viceland

A lot of people get on our case about the Dos and Don'ts, saying things like "you guys are so fucking picky" or "you guys hold the ladies up to far higher standards than you yourselves could ever maintain" or "that chik's fat," but honestly we're not so hard to please. We just happen to like it when the ladies show a little smarts and attention to detail and don't just slather on the bronzing cream, squeeze into a pink, rhinestoned tube top, and call it being hot. If you want to see some real dogmatism in action, take a look at David Hasselhoff's ersatz gal-rider from his 80s heyday. Not only is it fine with us if you don't feel cool setting goals for your friends or think eating at McDonald's somehow constitutes "spontaneity," you can even compare us with other actors if you really want to. To David's defense though, you probably have to exercise a lot of discretion in all aspects of your life if you're intend on being one of the preeminent human punchlines of our time.