Our King is a Berk
The king of Sweden, Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus Bernadotte, is in a bit of bother. Last week Carl XVI: The Reluctant Monarch [writer's own translation - ed.] was released in Sweden. Essentially it's a controversial catalogue of errors that should have been called The King Of Sweden Royally Fucks It.
The king's mental capacities have never commanded much respect, and Thomas Sjöberg, Deanne Rauscher and Tove Meyer, the authors of the book, don't really give him any. Some of things they accuse the king of are:
Employing "Setter Uppers" - Guys who pay chicks to hang out with him. Not prostitutes (although that has possibly happened too), just party girls, so that the king has someone to grind all up on and hold his hair out of his face when he's vomiting. The queen of Sweden wouldn't do it, even if she did have hands.*
A Year Long Affair With a Female Music Artist - Apparently this happened during the 90s: a pretty regrettable decade for everyone all told. The pop star in question lead one of the campest eurodisco trios the world has ever seen.*
Going to Speakeasies - Because of the restrictive alcohol policies in Sweden, speakeasies or "black clubs" (not a racist thing) flourish. Even the king knows where to go to get gone. Since he's the boss man he gets to go to the best black clubs, which, it should be mentioned, are run by the mafia.*
Having Shady Security Guys - All of his security people (from SÄPO, the Swedish equivalent of the FBI) knew about his lurking in dens of inequity. Having a king associate himself with organized crime is most definitely a BAD thing, so SÄPO put a lid on it.*
Going to Strip Clubs - One of which was the Gold Club in Atlanta. The king is said to have visited during the 1996 Summer Olympics, spending $10,000 on a few hours with a stripper, before tipping another $2,000.*
The big question should be "Is it true?", but it hardly even seems to be a question at all, in truth. To anyone who's lived anywhere near the king (i.e. in or around Stockholm) over the past 20 years, this is all mainly old news. Not even journalists question these facts. It's the oldest gossip around – the clubs, the chicks, the affair – but no one wanted to get on the king's bad side, so nobody spilled. Just imagine something like that happening in England [and just imagine if I had a friend who worked at the News Of The World, ed.].
By now the king himself is probably the only person in Sweden who hasn't actually read the book – it sold out in a few days. The publisher offered him a chance to read it right before it was published but, since it’s elk season, he decided to go hunting instead. When confronted with the inevitable media frenzy upon his return, he talked about “turning a page" and "looking ahead" and how "these are situations in a distant past," before fucking off to China or somewhere.
Is it just us, or does that sound like someone who's relieved because the claims of this book are not even remotely as bad as they could be? We can't help but think that somewhere there's a can of worms with a few bullet holes blown in it.
Here are some funny things the king of Sweden’s done in the past:
- Played darts with Swedish Nazis
- Opposed his first-born daughter inheriting the throne. (He argued it would be too hard for her.)
- Lit up during the Nobel dinner and tried to hide it. He failed, because his lips were so dry.