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      Ovum Easy, Please

      August 24, 2011


      Cervical mucus or egg whites? Does it even matter?

      Those blessed with a vagina or a girlfriend with functioning genitals may be aware that a female’s reproductive organs occasionally excrete a gloppy white fluid.

      The technical term for this substance is “cervical mucus,” and it has the consistency and appearance of egg whites. It got me thinking: Is girl gravy the human equivalent of the stuff surrounding a chicken yolk? And if so, is it edible? As far as I could tell, there have been no serious scientific inquiries to resolve this question. The only way to find out was to collect samples of my own ooze and throw it into a frying pan.

      A few days later it occurred to me that it might be wise to seek the advice of some sort of expert before beginning my experiment. Not wanting to pay anyone (or look them in the face while asking them questions about this), I sent an inquiry to a “medical expert” at the always-informative beinggirl.com:


      On Feb 17, 2011, at 9:10 PM,
      Question:
      I was just reading about albumen, aka egg whites, because when I’m ovulating I swear to God egg whites come out of my vagina. Is it pretty much the same thing?  
      Thanks,
      hymenator


      Sun, 6 Mar 2011 23:14:38 -0500
      Re: Ask Iris
      No, that doesn’t happen. It is discharge leaving.
      Your Beinggirl Expert Panel


      Fuck you, Iris! She obviously doesn’t know shit when it comes to cooking cervical mucus, and I certainly wasn’t about to let a virtual gynecologist stomp all over my dreams. Her answer only steeled my desire to complete this challenge, and for weeks I waited and patiently collected my secretions. I hypothesized that a month’s worth of bream cream would equal roughly one serving of scrambled eggs.


      Mmmmmmmm.
      Do you like ketchup on your vaginal discharge?

      The process, as expected, was demanding, extensive, and completely disgusting. At times I grew weary and disheartened because, day after day, my panties were spotless. During the third week of March, in the middle of a phone interview with a potential employer, my vagina had a eureka moment, and I was able to harvest a respectable yield. With the phone nestled between my shoulder and neck, I flung the entire mess into a sealed plastic container and placed it in the fridge.

      A few weeks later I suffered a devastating setback when I went to check on the mucus. Seconds after opening the container my entire kitchen immediately reeked of an unholy mixture of rotting compost and dirty belly buttons. I was bummed to discover that cervical mucus has a shelf life. But, hey, guess what else does? Eggs!

      I was much more careful with batch numero dos of huevos vaheena. The fact that I was visiting my parents at the time made it a bit of a challenge, but I persevered. I hid my cervical mucus at the bottom of my closet in my old bedroom, and when my folks were asleep I tiptoed to the kitchen to oil a pan and heat it up. I felt nervous and guilty, but also weirdly hungry.


      I hope my vagina doesn’t taste like this stuff.
      I prefer my bodily fluids well done.

      When I dropped my goo into my mom’s frying pan, it first shriveled up into a tiny ball. I pressed it with a spatula, which caused it to bubble, hiss, and snap. The bubbles were huge; it reminded me more of gelatin than egg whites. Then I sprinkled some sea salt on the mess but there was no reaction, so I slid it out of the pan and onto a plate.

      By this point I had lost my appetite and procrastinated on the inevitable taste test for a while, but eventually thought, “My vaginal discharge isn’t going to eat itself,” and slid it into my mouth. Oddly enough, it tasted like salty molasses. It wasn’t sweet or sticky, but it was… barky? So, yeah, there you have it. Cervical mucus may look like eggs, but it fries up really weird and tastes like molasses.
       

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