Penile Zipper Entrapment
Good news for any guy who’s ever got his weenis caught in his zipper. After fiddling around with the trapped penises of three consecutive boys aged five-seven, Dr Satish Chandra Mishra was able to perfect a simple, safe, quick, and painless method of extricating your twisted member from your pant-front without having to infiltrate your prepuce with two percent lignocain. Huzzah! The new technique is documented in the medical journal Indian Paediatrics and describes how to perform the procedure. Depending on your dexterity under immense pain and the availability of wire cutters and pliers wherever the horrible incident occurs, it seems probable that you can do it yourself and save the trauma of hobbling over to a doctor and describing the sensation as “feeling like you’re getting circumcised by the teeth of a rat made of lightning”. We’ve condensed all the medical yammerings into two easy to understand steps here:
Step 1: Just ahead of the entrapped foreskin, take an ordinary wire cutter, get between the teeth and cut the open zipper part on both sides and into the cloth part, down the sides of the zip.
Step 2: Take your pliers and grip the zip thingy, taking care that you get both the front and back of the mechanism. Now squeeze the shit out of it, the side pressure should space the faceplates enough that it loosens the teeth and releases the trapped skin. Voila! Apparently the whole thing is pretty painless.
Not surprisingly, it was impossible to find an intern who'd voluntarily entrap their prepuce, so if anyone out there actually gets a chance to try this, please let us know how it goes.