Getting to Grips With FHM’s Sexy 100

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #6: GETTING TO GRIPS WITH FHM'S SEXY 100

"You came, you clicked, we counted! Now behold, the 100 sexiest women on planet Earth, 2012 – chosen by you, you and you over there, with your trousers round your ankles (seriously dude, that’s not a strong look for riding the bus, pull ’em up)." Ah, the establishment that is FHM. A publication of such high class their pages are treasured under beds nationwide, crispy with semen and pored over by British men in cover of darkness. I have never read FHM, because it is not a magazine aimed at PGs. Instead, it is a magazine containing hundreds of pictures of PGs wearing gold jewellery, masking tape and engine grease. Though it may be unfair for me to review their 100 sexiest women feature while simultaneously reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth, watch me give a fuck. Because I really, really don’t. In accordance with hundreds of thousands of votes cast with the weaker hands of the relentlessly masturbating section of the British male public, FHM have compiled a list of the world’s sexiest women. That much can't have escaped your attention – but why, you may ask, do we need such a list? Well, FHM would reply, through pints of saliva, this is a celebration of “lady-awesomeness”. A phrase so clumsy and parochial it makes my oil-covered breasts ache. And how better to celebrate lady-awesomeness, than by rating them in what they’re best at: Being sexy. Of the top five "sexiest women in the world", two are glamour models and two are reality TV stars. If nonchalance was a factor of what it meant to be sexy in the past, we are evidently knee-deep in a future of blindly ambitious breasts and hyper-self-aware arses right now (see Rihanna as “sexbot’, below). Provocative issues aside ;-), really the babes on the list don’t matter in the slightest. And to sit here and rate these girls on their personal lives and career choices is (obviously) equally stupid.

So instead, I think we should have a closer look at how the queenmakers at FHM have backed up their readers’ decisions on what is essentially a totally subjective concept. I’m excited! You excited?! OMG my bra just fell off!

Fifth place: Georgia Salpa

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Georgia is fifth sexiest woman (IN THE WORLD!!) thanks to her “natural curves and sexy Irish accent”. Is that it? Kind of basic, but whatever. Congrats all Irish women who've never artificially enhanced your bodies, according to FHM you’re all sexy and you all made the list! (Oh no, wait, you didn't.) Fourth place: Rosie Jones

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Rosie Jones is “double hot”. That is, she’s both “criminally curvaceous”, and a “sexy, scantily-clad bailiff”. Wow. That must really cause problems at work. Maybe, considering you’re a law-enforcement officer, you should relinquish your life of crime? There’s a helpline for that I think. Third place: Rihanna

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“Sexbot from the future” Rihanna (WTF, FHM) has "redefined what it means to have enough clothes on". AKA she’s made it acceptable to walk around in knickers. Except. Oh wait. Didn’t everyone already do that like a million years ago? And didn't I do it earlier when I was getting dressed? WhatEVER. It’s sexy. Second place: Cheryl Cole

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Two-time winner Cheryl Cole still manages to claw her way in at number two, “despite the fact she doesn’t sit next to Simon Cowell any more”. OMFG Chez, who would have thought you could still be remotely sexy when not plonked next to legendary sex-magnet and modern-day Marlon Brando Simon Cowell. You must be so relieved, right! First place: Tulisa Constavlos

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Finally, FHM want to thank Tulisa, who single-handedly “rescued The X Factor from being a total no-fun zone for men”. Sorry Dannii Minogue, but you have short hair so we thought you were a lesbian and therefore awful jerk-fodder. Interestingly, the Twitter response to Tulisa’s position at the top spot is one of general outrage. Initially I was inclined to call bullshit, given the whole new album/ sex tape thing, but in the spirit of Pretty Girl solidarity, I'm just gonna assume she got it because she agreed to give them an interview and Cheryl Cole and Rihanna were too busy hanging out by Glamour magazine ad walls/ in the future respectively.

Now, let's all bask in the glory of FHM’s final sign-off: “Democracy is alive and kicking (and sexier than ever)!” Facepalm. Peace.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @BertieBrandes

Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - Sex Tips for Girls (Are Weird, Aren't They?)

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