Husband 101. Gotta trust your fundamental actions. Got to trust every single thing you do. Husband? They should rename them trustbands. Because they trust so much.1. He trusts you
He doesn't doubt your actions.
Well hmm because there's 'having nothing to hide' and there's 'not letting you have access to my e-mail because from there you can find my darkest secrets, i.e. just how many eBay alerts I have set up for sneakers, exactly how many e-mails I send myself every day, just how many Uber receipts I have and thus just how many Ubers I take.' Listen I'm all for trust but every relationship has to have a little bit of mystery, otherwise the closest movie analogy for your love is 'that time Leonardo DiCaprio climbed into a dead horse.'2. He is loyal to you
He has nothing to hide. You have access to everything in his life and know what he does.
"Hey, where you been?"3. He knows your tastes
He knows your favorite chocolate, the kind of movies you like to watch and your hobbies.
"Squash. I've been playing squash."
"I didn't know you played squash."
"I've played squash every Thursday for eight years."
"Huh."
"We met at a squash convention."
"I don't recall that."
Always good when a husband allows you the freedom to perform basic human tasks and doesn't just cling to your back and spin like a limpet, like a rucksack made of flesh, pawing at you for milk when you go to the cinema with your friends, mewling at your feet whenever you get a haircut, running you a long bath and then just bobbing in it, staring intently, naked and hairless, scrunched up like a ball, whispering, "I don't wike to be awone."4. He gives you some time to yourself
If you want to go out with your friends, get a haircut or watch a movie alone, he doesn't care. He knows that sometimes you just need some alone time.
"You alright, John?"5. He remembers holidays
He knows and prepares something special for the holidays that are important to you.
"Hmm?"
"Said: you alright? You forgotten anything?"
"Oh— I've done it again, haven't I?"
"Yeah."
"Which one is it?"You are in a room with frosted windows, a room with a pine tree. Mulled wine warms the air with clove aromas. Stockings hang around the fireplace. An entire family sits in silence and eats turkey."It's Christmas, isn't it?"
"It's Christmas."
"Ah, fucking hell. Fucking hell. Only I've told the boys I'd go and meet them for 5-a-si—"
"No, it's… it's fine. We'll do Christmas instead tomorrow. It's fine."
So essentially your husband has to be a partner, a father, and also a sassy sidekick in a 90-minute romcom who works at your office but doesn't work, exactly—sits opposite you filing his nails and occasionally zinging out bon mots and rolling his eyes when the guy from accounting tries to clumsily flirt with you, but no actual spreadsheets—and then when you crash and fall, at your lowest lull, when the romance with the man of your dreams briefly concludes at about minute 70, when you are on your ass and on the floor, he picks you up, dusts you off, calls you "girlfriend" a lot, and makes you go to the gym, get a promotion, and have an abrupt face-changing haircut all in the space of one montage. At your eventual wedding he sobs hugely and throws confetti, and is also your Maid of Honor.6. He helps you be better
He does not accept any self-hate talk you throw at yourself. Instead, he helps you build confidence and encourages you to get up when you're discouraged.
I don't do this because: why encourage failure? But also: if you tell your husband a shit joke and he laughs at it, and then you go to work and tell the same joke and they find it so unfunny they fire you—they march you to HR and ask you for one of those boxes so they can immediately pack up your shit—then whose fault is that? The husband, for lying? Or you, for creating a situation where he can only laugh at your jokes, never question or judge them, the only outcome is positive, there is no failure, only success. Nah. No. Nah. You live in a fantasy world, man.7. He laughs at your jokes
… even when they are not funny.
This is probably some wider breathless self-helpy point about trust and encouragement and relationships and mutual faith in one another but it can also very much be just about an argument re: who ate the last KitKat out of the KitKat seven-pack which we got from Tesco in the big shop literally yesterday, Linda, I can't believe you've gone through seven KitKats in that time! I didn't even have one! You hid the wrappers!8. He believes you
He knows you'll be honest with him.
This is like if they got those Facebook algorithms that write weird emotionless headlines to instead write your wedding vows.9. He laughs with you
He makes you laugh and you have fun together.
Again this feel like step 10 on some sort of off-brand Alcoholics Anonymous list – Alcoholic Atheist Anonymous, or something, where they've created a 12-step god-free program and run out of wind with it after about step three and so now they are just like "Step 7: do not take honey to airports" and "Step 8: tell people how atheists need churches too" and then by 10 they are like "respect feelings?" and you're so bored you just give up drinking as something new to do.10. He values your feelings
He always takes into account how you feel.
One of the best moments in the history of boxing was when Tyson Fury beat Wladimir Klitchko and then grabbed a microphone and sang 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing' to his wife, Paris, and then right at then end shouted "LOVE YOU MY WIFE" at her in a way that suggests he isn't fully 100% sure of what her name is but with respect he's just been punched in the head loads and the words 'my wife' are probably a push at the moment, and so anyway here's the video, it's iconic:11. You feel loved by him
You just know you are the love of his life.
Marry a Filofax, then. Marry a Gmail inbox. Fuck a Roomba.12. He makes your complicated life easier
He gives solutions and seeks to avoid conflicts.
It's good being a man sometimes because you get adulation for washing a plate without being asked to. It's fucking boss, actually. Sometimes I just wash a plate for the applause. It's brilliant. It's like: you know when a dog walks into a room of people, and everyone just goes mental? That's the normal reaction to me washing a fork. It's great.13. He helps you with house work
He washes the dishes and takes care of the kids without you even asking.
SCENE: YOU ARE SAD, POSSIBLY CRYINGHUSBAND: [PATTING BACK] There, thereYOU: Thank you, perfect husbandFIN.14. He consoles you when you're sad
He doesn't like to see you upset and does everything he can to make you feel better.
What freaks me out about this sentence I suppose is the word "tries" in there, which sort of cracks all context away – on one hand it could be 'he tried to make you smile every day, so he can see that cute smile of yours, so your sunbeam can become his' but also it's very 'your husband is sat in his car with an empty two-litre Evian bottle to piss in, a bag of sandwiches to eat, and some binoculars, and he is parked 400 yards from your workplace and he will see you smile today, so help him god, he will not leave this spot until he sees you smile, by any means necessary', and listen: we all love in different ways.15. He adores your smile
He tries to see your smile every day.