Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.
PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #19: BOYS THINK YOU'RE GROSS
Until a few days ago, I really didn’t think the subject of this week’s column would be of any real concern to anyone. As far as I was aware, if you were lying in a bed with someone you totally wanted to have sex with, and there were no really pressing moral or physical reasons why you shouldn’t, then you could just buy a ticket to Bang City and be done with it. We’re not 17 any more (well I’m not, anyway), so sex really shouldn’t be causing you the same crippling anxiety it did when you didn’t know what noises where appropriate, or whether flavoured body glitter really did make you “totes irresistible”. Sex between adults is really no big deal if you’re both into it and you know their surname, right?
WRONG, apparently. Over the last week, on three separate occasions I’ve heard PG’s relaying “mega cringe” examples of times when they reeeallly wanted to have sex, and they reeeallly believed the future of the relationship was at stake if they didn’t, but they reeeallly, reeeallly couldn’t!
Before everyone kicks up a whole "you should never have sex if you don’t 100 percent want to", that is fucking obvious. But that wasn't the issue here. So what gives? I’ve compiled a list of three of the stupidest reasons not to have sex with a guy, and some real-life testimonies from the opposition to bring it home. Sex should be fun, AM I RIGHT (no question mark).
STUPID REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX #1: TO MAKE HIM LIKE YOU MORE
This one’s the most common, and most abused reason. It can really work if you’re in it for the long game, but by the time you’re lying in a bed sliding up against each other in a slimy, erotic way (eww) I think you’re probably past the point of "I don’t want him to know I like him yet!" territory. My friend recently told me about a time she invited some guy she was crushing hard on over to watch movies, and then whenever he tried to put his arm around her she got up, because she wanted him to be her boyfriend and she thought it would really "cement what they had". Um. No.
"This kind of Gestapo testing bollocks is everything that men hate about women. Remember that we are stupid, unthinking seed-cannons. We like talking about M16s and playing air drums to Toto. Making us jump through hoops of fire like this is cruelty on a par with bear baiting. We ‘like’ you already, and if we don’t, then we at least want to shag you, which is sort of the same."
STUPID REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX #2: YOU FORGOT TO WAX
This one’s been done x10000, but amazingly it still manages to be a really big problem for some people. I had dinner with this girl last week who spun a whole weird yarn about how she was so into this guy and he’d come back to hers after they went for dinner, and they started to take their clothes off and she remembered she hadn’t had a wax for something really inoffensive like a month (BIG DEAL), so she was writhing around in just her tights really wanting to have sex but refusing to give in to her impulses. Sort of like what priests should do, but never seem to. Maybe we should instil a sort of body hatred into the Catholic Church? Might solve a hell of a lot of problems.
"There are some guys that claim to love their furry Frenchwomen, as if saying that will make them sound more continental and cultured. If that be the case, I’m Nigel Farage. Don’t get me wrong, there is wonder and beauty in an unpruned bush that there are no fit words to evoke. It’s the other stuff. Particularly anything on the face. I know some girls are too proud to admit it, but please, lose the tash. It feels like I’m snogging Magnum PI."
STUPID REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX #3: YOUR UNDERWEAR ISN'T TINY
It’s weird, because I reckon the only time this would ever be an issue for me is if someone had dared me to wear a thong for a day and I was going to get caught out wearing it by some guy I liked. Thongs are fucking weird and gross IMO. But apparently I am hugely in the minority on that one, and chicks freak out if a guy might get a glimpse of them in some underwear which isn’t really thin and flimsy and nestling inside their bum. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: high-waisted underwear is your friend.
"The naffer the undies the better, I say. All that baroque Victoria Secrets stuff is just for girls to talk about with each other. You might think you need to look like Lisa Snowdon at a ‘Stars in their Bras’ shoot but we really don’t give a fuck. I’m very much of the Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones school of man. Bloomers, girdles… so forth. As long as they’re coming off, it’s alright."
See?! Pretty Girl Bullshit is rife in our brains now! RESIST IT. And have some clumsy sex without worrying about anything, you probably need it after all that... xox
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
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