The 'Men Are Redundant' Myth

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is stupid. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #13: THE 'MEN ARE REDUNDANT' MYTH

There are certain books that, if found on someone’s bookshelf, should compel you to activate your rape alarm, jump from the nearest window, start running and never look back. The Decline of Men by Guy Garcia is a perfect example. The garish cover belies a book so absurd in its essence that it’s totally, 100 percent not worth reviewing in any depth. It says things like "even though men are wealthier and healthier than ever before, they are losing ground to women in a drastic and catastrophic way. It’s an epidemic. They don't know how to exist in the modern world. They are letting down their families. Etc." Seriously guys (small G), don't worry about it. Guy (big G) is a bag full of shit.

The only real thing of any use we can take from Guy's book is that statistics make everything and anything possible. Imagine having a big computer which stupid, paranoid megalomaniacs can type *decline of X* into. And which subsequently prints 100 pages of "true" data drawn from ancient and unverified sources. According to that machine, this column will in some way have actively contributed to the closing down of thousands of schools around the country, caused a high school shooting and inspired Chanel’s next couture collection. So, sorry. (Oh, and you’re welcome Karl.)

But like I said, I don't wanna talk about his book, and I don't wanna completely bitch him out, either. It's so dumb that just feels a bit too easy.

What I am certainly not above doing, however, is calling out Amanda Platell on being almost definitely my favourite worst journalist of all time.

Screenshot of Amanda Platell via

For those unfamiliar with Amanda, she frequently refers to a hot fudge “core of Britishness” being destroyed by lazy immigrant spoons who are gobbling it all up. Except she is Australian and technically an immigrant. Confusing. Either way, however many Union Jack fascinators she Pritt Sticks to her head, she will always be a fucking idiot. Last week, she condemned women who don’t wear make-up as betraying their ugly sisterhood. Let's see what she has to say about MAN POWER. An excerpt:

"Women wilfully feminised men to make them less masculine, less challenging to our ambitions, less competition for us. We emasculated them.

"As a result, we've destroyed the core of their being, their masculinity. We've led them astray and away from the very qualities we intrinsically find most attractive in a man.

"We told them we loved their feminine side, then came to despise it. We convinced them we wanted to be equal breadwinners, then began to resent it.

"We loved the idea of earning more than our men, more than any man, yet lost respect for them when it was us bringing home the bacon."

Now OK, we all know The Daily Mail is on some ridiculous Samantha Brick-fuelled trollathon this year. Like, they finally worked out how to use the internet after five years of spell-checking meme to memo. But still, that quotation reads like serious Pretty Girl Bullshit, regardless of how bizarrely self-aware it pertains to be. In fact, it’s actually almost brilliant. Amanda Platell doesn’t care who the fuck you are or what you do, if you are female, it’s YOUR fault. Or rather, it’s our fault! It’s even Amanda’s fault! Let’s all bond over the destruction of beastly men. Wow. Deep.

Secondly, #lol at Amanda deciding to respond to the book with this weird manifesto which reads like the voiceover from a movie trailer of some horrifying gore film in which a vagina springs teeth and begins eating penises. Oh, uh. Anyway I reckon for more impact, she should have topped it off with: “Now enslaved man must reclaim his rightful position of lord, and grind those bitches into the ground where they belong.” Cue pop-punk soundtrack and unnecessary strobing.

Other gems embedded in this piece include Amanda’s pledge: "You show me a woman who isn't attracted by strength, success, masculinity and I'll show you a lesbian."

I mean, sure, we can spend all day showing each other different stuff. Show me your vacant, heartless ribcage and I’ll show you a bottle of Baileys. Show me your dog and I'll show you a fireplace. Show me the sunset and I'll show you some jumping beans, etc. I don’t really see how that’s very appropriate. Unless. Oh yes, of course. You’re making a CLEVER POINT. On a personal level, I am not in the least bit attracted by strength, I’m more into emotional compatibility, GSOH, bank balance (etc). If a guy wants to parade around big muscles that’s totally cool, but he better be charming as fuck while he’s doing it. Then again, I am almost certainly a commie dyke, so whatevuhh, ignore me.

The problem with all these very silly prophecies about how the Y chromosome is being gradually rendered unnecessary, is that they isn’t restricted 2 Yahoo Chat @ 3AM. Guy Garcia’s book is so teeth-clenchingly bad, that it could only have broken America and "made waves" if there was an receptive audience waiting to snap it up and find themselves. Like the destitute housewives of 50 Shades… (“Our showerhead’s broken again?!”), America must contain hordes of men who genuinely believe that their unemployment is nothing to do with the economic climate, but instead the faults of all those ball-breaking lesbians. That is scary. Scarier than Amanda Platell’s fascinators.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @BertieBrandes

Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - The 'Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels' Myth

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