I'll bet you have your one public toilet horror story that you wheel out to prospective friends, or (if you lack subtlety and anything resembling charm) would-be apples of your eye, right? Prepare to feel that story cower in inferiority with this set of gross toilet tales.
PAEDO OR HEART ATTACK?
Back at school, before I could drive, my daily routine after a long day of learning would include killing time in the shopping centre that's connected to Northampton bus station – a bus station that's been voted one of the worst buildings in the country. Its public toilets do nothing to help its argument against that status.
One day, a 13-year-old me walked into my favourite cubicle to drain the main vein (there is no way you'd use a urinal in there, trust me) and as soon as I started to flow, I heard a weird, gurgling sound that reminded me of the noise a dying animal might make.
While still pissing and trying to not breathe through my nose, something poked under the cubicle wall and snuggled up against my left foot. I jumped, obviously, sending my urine stream everywhere, presumably onto whatever had just appeared under the wall. I looked down to see an old man staring at my dick, convulsing and making noises that scared me to death. Of course, I assumed that he was getting himself off at the sight of my tender, young member, so I murmured an unconvincing "fuck off" in my pre-puberty baby-voice, kicked the man in the head and scurried out of there to the safety of the bus stop.
In retrospect, I honestly hope the guy was having a wank, because otherwise I just pissed all over an old man while he was desperately asking for help, then kicked him in the head and ran away. I guess I'll never know.
Want more stories about public toilets that are too long to scrawl on their walls? Click through to the next page.