Quango - Sarkozy and Obama Showed Us Where the Magic Happens

The story so far: grinning gnome Nicolas Sarkozy is into the 500th month of his re-election campaign. Originally scheduled to be obliterated by his Mr Ordinary opponent Francois Hollande, a man who makes John Major look like JFK, Sarko has staged something of a comeback. This he has achieved chiefly by more or less saying he will personally go round and garrotte every single immigrant should he win, which has been enough to stop people going on about how they'll vote for the far-right Front National. Equally, Hollande is facing a challenge from the left, with rabble-rouser Jean-Luc Mélenchon winning bags of votes for saying that bankers should be coated in their own excrement and forced to take part in blindfolded egg-n-spoon races off the end of the Grande Arche. Now, though, Sarko needs to break for the lead. He's softened up the ground (with only light hilarity) by attempting to re-cast himself and his wife as just ordinary folk – even arranging for Carla Bruni to take a "spontaneous" trip on the Paris Metro the other week, just like real millionaires do with their Personal Protection Officers. But while he may be rattling up anti-immigrant votes in his own country, he knows full well that there's one son of a Kenyan academic whom the French still really love. Rightly or wrongly, every leader in the Western world believes that President Obama offers an electoral Midas touch. That being pictured near him is the sort of thing that will heal cripples and allow wankers to be re-elected forever. Thus, you had last summer's Cameron barbecue-summit pics. Thus, you had Gordon Brown engaging in a low-speed chase with Obama in 2009 – seeking a face-to-face summit, failing to get one and instead following Obama round the kitchen and backstairs of the hotel where their G20 summit was being held, pestering. But where Cameron has an oily clubby-ness, and Brown had sheer socially-retarded desperation, President Bling-Bling (as his countrymen call him), simply has massive diamanté-encrusted testicles. Shameless? He thinks it's the name of an eau de cologne. So it was that he and his press advisers decided to deploy the leader of The Free World as an extra in their latest party-political broadcast. For the first time ever, a camera was brought through into the Obama and Sarkozy video-conference last week. Into a shabby little room of the Elysee palace, where the shabby little man and his team were sat in front of the tricolore, the air of handicam hustle only adding to the sense that all this had been culled from season six of The Thick Of It. If Obama was to be used as electoral bait, it seemed that no one had told him.

“Firstly, our condolences,” he announces from his video wall. “I understand you have lost a colleague who worked very well with you on education reform.” Unfortunately, references to staff death do not make great sound-bytes for that 30 second hope-n-change TV ad. “You are clearly following events here very closely,” says Sarkozy, harvesting the tears of a nearby crocodile. “And we wish you all the best in your re-election campaign,” Obama responds, with almost as large a dose of insincerity. In 2008, the recently-elected Sarkozy said Obama was "too inexperienced" to make a good President, and threw his lot in with the more philosophically aligned McCain team. Still, Sarko grins a million bucks. “You and me Mr President,” he fawns in his limited English, “We will win.” Obama's response is neither to confirm nor deny that it will be two out of two by November. It's three words, and they do not require a translator: “Ha-ha-ha.” As the camera watches these two men smile a thousand teeth at each other, it's bizarre how little chemistry seems to pass between them. After all, both are natural social chemists – both have been called the rockstars of their political generation. But when you put two such big magnetisms together in a room, it's almost like they cancel each other out. They're so used to glad-handing and oozing at people whose reaction is to accept it, that when they meet someone who oozes back just as hard, the polarities repel each other. Grins. Bigger grins. Then, finally, Obama announces they must move on. The cameras get hustled out with the same shabby sense of war reporters fleeing a shelled building. When the doors closed, there was undoubtedly the Real Talk of big guns. According to a White House communique, the pair spoke about: Syria (Obama: “So basically you guys should do what we want you to do on Syria”. Sarko: “Oui”. Translator: “Yes.”), oil reserves, (Obama: “We'll tell you when to start releasing your strategic oil reserves.” Sarko: “Oui.” Translator: “Yes.”) and Iran (Obama: “You will do – ” Sarkozy: “Oui.” Translator: “Yes.”).

But the overall impression is that the final curtain of power has been stripped back for the watching world, only for the watching world to find its leaders naked and desperate underneath. This Wizard Of Oz box was on the fritz, and finally seeing the place where the magic happens only underlined how terrifyingly little magic ever happens in these places.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

Previously: Quango - A Few Last Words on Trenton Oldfield

Feast on all the previous Quangos here.