You know what would be a stupid idea? Getting Prince William and Kate Middleton to get married in the centre of a city currently in the grips of both an anarchist fad and EDL race riots. We could do it over the May Day weekend – a time most Londoners under thirty traditionally spend smashing bank windows. And, just to help grease the wheels of mayhem, we’ll give the entire alcoholic nation a four-day weekend to dig themselves into a mass grave of chemical unrest before beckoning them in huge numbers out into the sun to join a wedding party. To counter all that we’ll spend billions on security – adding to the huge debt already accrued by the long weekend – and flood the route with tooled-up riot police who’re currently the focus of a revolutionary groundswell. It’s a perfect storm for a perfect wedding.

This whole patriotic bazaar could basically turn into the biggest wedding punch-up since The Reformation. I know you don’t really give a shit about the wedding, but you’d be amazed how many different people are obsessed with it. Which is why VBS have made Royal Wedding, a documentary about the weird parties with a vested interest in Wills and Kate’s big day.

Here are a few of them.

THE NEW KNIGHTS TEMPLAR

You know the gallant, humble knight at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well English Defence League founder Paul Raye is just like him, except his crusades involve less epic battles against the Byzantine hoards and more drunken flag waving in Luton. The Lionheart of England, as Paul calls himself, lives in exile in Malta now. He claims he moved there because of all the Islamic bastards imposing Sharia Law on Londinistan, but rumour has it he skipped town because of a war with other EDL members.

This Arthurian skinhead struts around Malta’s medieval towns with his crew of supremacists dressed in white hoodies, like the TK Maxx KKK, befriending the clergy and praying at ancient altars for Prince William to lead a war against Islam. Don’t tell him this wedding’s just a tourist trap, for Paul it’s the most important thing to happen in Britain for 2,000 years. Which is kind of a bummer for Oliver Cromwell, Henry VIII, Thomas Becket, Geoff Hurst, William Shakespeare, Churchill and the rest of history’s shirkers.
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WATCH THESE CHARACTERS IN VBS' ROYAL WEDDING HERE.