Fox News Host Megyn Kelly Reminds the World That "Santa Claus and Jesus Were White"

Thumbnail image via Flickr User soulchristmas

Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

-Fox News host (and serial abuser of the letter "Y"), Megyn Kelly, wants to remind the world that this season of giving known as Christmas is a strictly whites-only affair. Kelly went off on a tirade during a segment of her show where she and a panel of guests debated the merits of an article on Slate from Aisha Harris that posits that Santa Claus should no longer be depicted as white because it alienates non-white children. In place of a white Santa, Harris suggested that Santa Claus be depicted as a penguin.Harris seems to think that all kids love penguins. I hate to break it to you lady, but there was at least one kid who wasn't so fond of penguins growing up. Let's just say I saw Batman Returns one too many times and it kinda ruined the whole species for me.

I can think of at another figure that really is universally revered by children who would make way more sense as a Santa Claus. He already dresses all in red. He's also a fictional character with awesome superpowers and not some dumb, aquatic bird.

Photo via Flickr User Ryan J. Quick

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers! Every kid gets an ass-kicking in their stocking this year. Plus, under the helmet, the Mighty Morphin Santa Ranger could be any ethnicity. He might even be… gay. Not saying he is. Just saying he might be. This should make everyone happy. Except women. Sorry, this Santa is definitely all man.

Now, since conservative pundits can never not take an opportunity to wag their finger in disgust at the "liberal war on Christmas," Megyn Kelly felt the need to respond to Penguingate 2013 and state for the record that Santa Claus has always been white, and should always be white because he was an historical figure. She's right that there was a real St. Nicholas, who was a 4th century Greek bishop famous for his generosity. The parts about the flying sled, midget slaves building toy trains, and grotesque obesity are, at this juncture, not verified.

If you're curious as to when the "reason for the season" gets invoked, don't get it twisted. This is fucking Fox News, people. I'm pretty sure Megyn Kelly has a "Jesus is My Co-Anchor" sticker on her Mercedes. Just as an aside, she said ol' JC was definitely white. The Bible––a book whose fire and brimstone lunatic final chapter makes it about as credible a historical document as the movie Air Bud––doesn't even bother telling people what Jesus looked like. They don't even say if he was fat, tall, short, ugly, or handsome. Besides that, what are the odds that the evolution of humanity in the Middle East was such that people with fair skin survived in larger numbers than those with darker skin? This was way before SPF-15, and if Jesus was walking around in scorching temperatures as much as people said he did, I'd be real surprised if he looked anything like the drawings of him from the Middle Ages. The artists who drew Jesus were––shockingly––people that never actually met him.

In response to this controversy, Kelly was noticeably absent from her show last night, but Politico reports that she'll be back tonight to address her critics. Outside of making out with Taye Diggs on an original copy of the New Testament, I'm pretty sure there's no way her critics are going to forgive her. Also, one last note for her: kids don't watch Fox News, so stop saying, "hey kids," and feigning like you are speaking directly to a pre-pubescent audience. The only children who watch Fox News Channel can't find their remote. 7

-I'm sure you've all been wondering if I watched the Saturday Night Live sketch cleverly called, "White Christmas." In the above video, a black Christmas movie is reimagined with an all-white cast. For those of you who are perturbed, perplexed, flummoxed, disturbed, or generally "cheesed off" about this sketch's racial politics, allow me to explain the joke:

You see, there are a lot of holiday films this year that feature predominantly black casts. Black Nativity, Best Man Holiday, and Madea's Christmas have or will come out in the span of a few months. If you add prestige Oscar-bait dramas like 12 Years a Slave, Fruitvale Station, Lee Daniels' The Butler, and Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom to that list, it's like a Million Man March of black movies on the screen. The holiday comedies share one common element that this sketch aims to mock––things black people like. A lot of white people think dancing to R&B music, black men in drag, and slang terms they don't understare are corny. It's screaming, "would you tolerate all these horrible jokes and all this blatant pandering if the cast was nothing but white folks?" In theory, this is a knowing satire.

Problem is, this entire premise wouldn't exist if it weren't for TV shows like Saturday Night Live sporting a dearth of black cast members. Also, the number of large budget feature films focusing on themes of interest to minorities (not just black people, but also Asians, Hispanics, and First Nations people) is so small that I can probably name all of them in a half-hour. Finally, dumb movies that black people like are no better or worse than all the horrible, schmaltzy crap that features predominantly white casts. By the way, most of those movies star Paul Rudd. 5

-Real Housewives of Beverly Hills "star" Brandi Glanville is catching flack for racist comments toward fellow housewife Joyce Giraud on Monday's installment of the series. Glanville tried to force Giraud to swim during a very special episode of the show set in Palm Springs. Giraud told Glanville she can't swim, which caused Glanville to say the following:

"You're a black person… It was a joke, and my black friends would have laughed crazy because they don't go in the pool because they will [mess up] their weaves … All my black friends can't swim."

Giraud, who is Puerto Rican, responded, "Yes, I'm black. What's your problem? Puerto Ricans are black, they're Indian and they're Spanish, so I am a mix of three cultures, and I am very proud to represent all three." For the record, I can't swim, but it's not because of my weave. RACIST

The Most Racist Tweets of the Week:

The Dodgers act like 12 year olds, and then their beaner fans kill people!

— Andrew Arentson (@arenty_) October 16, 2013

NIGGERS & NIGGER LOVERS only make threats on twitter & prank phone calls to my uncles house but won't say or do anything in person.

— Nigger Hanger (@NiggerHanger1) December 13, 2013

SANTA HATES NIGGERS pic.twitter.com/KALHYx6L8c

— Dr. WhitePower (@THERACISTDOCTOR) December 13, 2013

I've been chink eyed for the past two days now I'm concerned.

— Vincent Speakman (@VinNotSoDiezel) December 13, 2013

Since I can't live in Hitler's Germany, I'll do my best to make my community a #NS community.

— James (@ANP_Jaiden) December 2, 2013

#Redskins Park is a winter wonderland http://t.co/j8QqNdDAQP pic.twitter.com/8sjryKWdQv

— Washington Redskins (@Redskins) December 10, 2013

@dave_schilling