Selling Socks For Sex
Spending money on pants and socks is a prosaic bunch of boring. It’s nothing like the capitalist Rockefeller fantasy shopping is supposed to be and that’s why mothers are the only people who don’t mind doing it.
As a sort of quasi-dirty protest and to start making my underpants work for me rather than the other way around, I decided to try and make money from the horrible things. Accepted wisdom has it that no matter how nasty something is, there will be a bastard online jerking off over it, so I decided to test that theory by attempting to flog a leopard skin thong I bought for a pound in Primark six years ago. I'm gay, but I'm not a fucking mad man and I can't see anything erotic about these - they’re haunted by the ghost of shitmas past and I apologise to my arse every time I put them on.
This idea was inspired by the soiled panties that you famously can’t buy in vending machines in Japan, but there’s nothing sweet, Japanese, or schoolgirl about my crotch.
A quick scan of used male underwear on sale on eBay left me with no doubts what the main buzzwords are: “Gay Interest” and “Scally”. I seriously doubt scallies wear the kind of tight pants on parade, but that doesn’t dampen the punters’ enthusiasm. I figured that if I were to get any attention, it was mainly this misinformed fetish that I would have to appeal to.
Taking the photos was quite humiliating. If I was going to stand out from the crowd I’d have to make my pictures edgy and exciting. Spelling “leopard” incorrectly wasn’t intentional but it did at least make me different. I don’t really know what people wanted from me, so I thrust myself about. Daringly, I left part of my scrotum hanging out the side of the gusset as a piece of hidden treasure for the truly attentive balls fan.
To give the impression I was really serious about selling dirty under garments to lonely people I simultaneously listed a pair of used white Uni Qlo socks. Because they’re from Uni Qlo I felt like a cheat calling them “Scally”, so I added “Hipster” to its title just in case there’s a fetish for hipster socks. There probably is; in fact there’s probably a hilarious viral video about how people who wear hipster socks are dickheads who walk their synths in the park.
After only a few hours I already had my first enquiry:
I could easily make £65 out of this punter, but having him pay money just to look at me and take photos was nowhere near as flattering or empowering as watching documentaries about strippers and Billie Piper had lead me to believe. I left his offer be.
The next message had a bit more potential to be funny. I replied to him asking for some photos, which was fair, as he’d already seen part of my balls. Sadly, he never replied.
I next checked back towards the end of the auction, by which time I had 161 views for my leopard skin thong, but just 60 for the hipster socks, leaving me to surmise that either a fetish for hipsters has not yet developed amongst the eBay community, or that my feet are inherently less attractive than my loins. Most excitingly, I had six more questions from six different guys.
Mostly they were just requests to meet up (which was quite flattering). By far my creepiest fan was a guy who "lives near me”. How do internet sex people ever have the guts to meet anyone who approaches them online? I’m never going to meet this guy, but I’m still pretty certain he’s going to human caterpillar the shit out of me.
I ignored all their proposals for sex and ran a little background check on their previous purchases instead. Turns out he's a serial purchaser of dirty pants, with a number of worn jock-straps and leather waistcoats to his name.
My favourite admirer was a guy who bought three bras in 36D – leading me to think he is either a woman or buys his big titted girlfriend cheap lingerie on eBay. He had also bought two books on how to seduce women, How to Chat Up Women and How to Attract, Pick Up, Date and Meet Women. Maybe there’s something in it about how buying bras from eBay is a neat way to be thoughtful and thrifty.
Jam888es was the most flamboyant and paranoid of the dudes. He’d bought a set of fake CCTV cameras and signs notifying the presence of CCTV cameras. NO one needs these unless their life is going in sad directions.
With all this interest, one would imagine my underpants sold for a healthy sum, at least in excess of the £1 I paid for them all those years ago. But they mustered just two bids, and sold for 15p while the cool socks failed to attract even a single bid. There is simply no way this will ever be as lucrative as urban myth had lead me to believe. However, I have caught myself walking with a new swagger, so it must have been good for me ego.