Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.
PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #20: SHUT UP AND BE CUTE
I moved in with my boyfriend this week. Scary. Not even scary because suddenly microwaved Haribo and apple juice soup is no longer an acceptable meal, but because ew, it means I’m a grown-up. And being a grown-up is disgusting. Being responsible sucks, being responsible for feeding someone who isn’t yourself is hard! And tucking dirty pairs of socks down the side of your bed until you run out is not acceptable any more. What the fuck.
Still, as disgusting as “cuddling up on our sofa in front of Sherlock Holmes re-runs” might sound, being a pretend grown-up is a far more attractive proposition than some of the alternatives. Alternatives like pretending that you are an emotionally and mentally retarded child in order to get laid. Which, handily for me, is exactly what a writer for LovePanky.com (is that you, Zooey?) has been advising women to do this week, with an article titled "How to Look Cute and Melt a Guy’s Heart".
As I have absolutely no doubts that any self-respecting female would be willing to place full trust in a website called LovePanky (what does it even mean?), I felt it was my duty to look deeper into some of the points in the guide. Which, BTW, was prefaced with a nice definition that “Cute = fragile and nervous”. Ask Jeremy Forrest: If being fragile and nervous isn’t a surefire way to make any man swoon, I don’t know what is! (Maybe being charming and interesting, but god, that is dull.)
How to Look Cute and Melt a Guy's Heart: Shift Your Weight
LOVEPANKY SAYS: “Don’t stand firm in one spot when you’re standing and talking to a guy. Shift your weight from one foot to another now and then.”
PGB SAYS: One of the few things I learnt from school assembly is that people who have experienced severe childhood trauma often develop a rocking motion that they then carry on into later life. Convincing your crush that you have Stereotypic Movement disorder is a weird way to entice him, but it will almost definitely make you appear fragile and nervous. And therefore, irresistible! If this fails to work, try drawing some self-harm scars onto your arms and thighs (OMG, adorbs) and carving SAVE ME with a knife into one of your shins. 2Kute.
How to Look Cute and Melt a Guy's Heart: Speak Softly
LOVEPANKY SAYS: “Don’t speak in a loud voice when you’re talking to a guy. Instead, speak in a soft, low tone. And smile just a little bit every time you say something to him.”
PGB SAYS: You know when I said that being a grown-up was creepy? This is creepier. By a long shot. Mumbling inaudilby outside Starbucks while smiling the bright, hollow smile of a sadist might seem like a natural way to flirt, but it’s sort of equivalent to inviting yourself to their birthday party, or calling their mum if you have an argument. Not okay. It will also be very confusing if another female joins the conversation, meaning you’ll have to mediate between normal levels of volume for her and the quiet simpering ones reserved for men. Unless you’re desperate to somehow incorporate ENT doctor roleplay into your sex life, you can probably give this one a miss.
How to Look Cute and Melt a Guy's Heart: Your Attire
LOVEPANKY SAYS: “Wear soft, flimsy fabrics that flow or drape over your body instead of dressing up in crisp, sharp clothes.”
PGB SAYS: A very important tip, because wearing crisp, sharp clothes will give the impression of sanity and professionalism; two traits that every self-respecting cutie knows are the last things a man wants. Don’t intimidate a guy by acting like a bossy, braniac bitch, lull him in like a siren using lilac tulle and an outfit that looks like it was pieced together from stuff you found while dodging cars on the motorway/in Oasis. Then… POUNCE!
I don’t know, maybe this is actually totally OK and I’m just allergic to the idea of wearing flimsy fabrics. The word “flimsy” reminds me of the membrane of an egg. Why would anyone want to resemble that?
How to Look Cute and Melt a Guy's Heart: Watch Your Hands
LOVEPANKY SAYS: “Don’t move your hands about while talking to a guy. Keep them by your sides, or even better, interlace your fingers in front of your tummy.”
PGB SAYS: Gawd, you stupid bitch, watch your damn hands! The last thing you want to do is express something. Expression is bad, it means you have thoughts. Instead, relegate your hands to the delicate curves of your cutesy little belly. Like, repeat after me (in low quiet voice + with manically smiling face): “Heeeey, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, but pleeeease impregnate me! Look, my ovaries are so ripe and fertile I have to clutch them to me at all times for fear they’ll float out in search of semen!“
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Hmm, maybe playing at being a grown-up isn’t so bad after all. At least I’m not single and late-night googling shit that leads me to LovePanky.com any more. Also, when you stop feeling like you're 14 years old, you suddenly realise that you don’t need to be adorable, cute, shy, Zooey Deschanel, or in the presence of a man who's serenading your smile with a tiny guitar on a train platform in order to be good at flirting. You just need to be drunk.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
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