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      Baristas

      December 6, 2012
      From the column 'Skinema'

      BARISTAS
      Dir: Joanna Angel
      Rating: 9
      Burningangel.com

      I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey because the pieces of shit on the most atrocious public-relations disaster in the history of the Garden State, Jersey Shore, are not returning for another season. Hopefully by the time you read this my balls will have shrunk to a microscopic size (like those of the cast of the show), and I’ll be starting senseless bar fights because I have no other way to channel my latent homosexuality. 

      Sadly, the steroids I’ve been prescribed are not the kind that will turn me into the Incredible Hulk. I asked the doctor how long before I’d be able to lift cars above my head. She laughed and said, “You’re thinking of anabolic steroids. These steroids are to get rid of that hacking cough you’ve had for three months. The only real side effect is that you’ll have very vivid dreams.” 

      I was hoping for wet dreams, but instead got an entirely different brand of delight. Last night I dreamed I was on a road trip, heading to the Grand Canyon with five other fellows. We stopped at a greasy spoon on some desert highway in some nowhere town. 

      “What kind of beer do you have?” I asked the red-haired, middle-aged waitress. “We got both kinds: Bud and Bud Light,” she replied, accented with a look of disgust, as she walked past me. My eyes and head followed her to the end of the counter, but my torso didn’t move. I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror and was nearly knocked off my barstool. 

      I leaned back to get a good look at my fellow travellers. We were all dressed as famous female musicians. And we looked pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I was Dolly Parton, and as my dream camera panned down the bar like in Goodfellas there was Aretha Franklin, Lady Gaga, bald Sinead O’Connor, Cher and Madonna. After we finished eating, things took a real Beverly Hills Cop twist, and Aretha Franklin got killed. (Yes, even in dreams the black guy is always the first to die.) Next thing, we had guns and were hunting down the killer. I remember saying the classic Eddie Murphy line, “I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe,” and one of the other ladies saying, “Ooh! Ooh! I will! I will!” 

      I woke up at 4AM, before we solved the murder, because I had to take a dump. Seems that these steroids have another side effect: shitting like you’ve been on a weekend-long ex-lax-snorting bender. 

      Did I ever tell you about the time I was on tour in Utah and my buddy met this girl from Turkey or Syria or somewhere and went back to her place after drinking shitty, cheap 3.2 percent beer for 13 hours and she fed him the darkest Turkish coffee known to man and as they’re making out he started farting and shitting himself? Long story short, he ran out without saying good-bye and barely made it outside before having to rip his pants down and spray poop all over her front door. It’s times like this that I’m thankful I’m not single and always have a toilet nearby.

      More stupid can be found at ChrisNieratko.com and twitter.com/Nieratko. Also, check out the Skinema show on VICE.com.

      Previously - Anal Lessons

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      Topics: Skinema, steroids, beer, Goodfellas, new jersey

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