Take A Stroll... With Rob Delaney - Gay All Day!
Gay people can now get married in the State of New York. That is, empirically, a wonderful thing. There is plenty of horror in our world, but people of the same gender who love each other being able to get married in the third most populous state in the US is a bright-ass candle in the dark.Mind you, I didn’t say “ass-candle.” You’re the pervert who misread it and imagined greasing up a candle and sliding it up your hungry butthole. Probably felt good too, right? Maybe do it and twitpic it and send it to Anthony Weiner, you weirdo. I’ll be right here celebrating with my wholesome gay brothers and sisters who would never think of doing such a thing. They’re more likely to stick a good old-fashioned penis up their bum, if they’re a gent.
If we’re talking ladies, they’d be more prone to engage in some black-belt pussyquake-inducing cunnilingus that I’d love to take a weekend workshop in? I’m certain that Christ in Heaven is rocking some serious permagrin over this most basic human rights victory in the Empire State, and He salutes His gay sons and daughters getting their fuck on, which they can now do in New York after snuggling and looking through an album of their very own beautiful wedding photos.
People who oppose gay marriage fascinate me. I don’t hate them; that would achieve nothing. I just can’t get myself into their mindset or even imagine how they think their position is tenable. Myself, I happen to have been born straight. I look at women and want to smell them, pick them up and inspect them, look into their eyes, tug on their earlobes, rub their feet and put my fingers, tongue, and penis inside of them. I’m even married to one and very genuinely thrilled about it. AT THE VERY SAME TIME, I am close friends with gay people, I work with gay people, and I have gay people in my own family.
As far as the men go, I have never had the urge to kiss, blow, fuck or buttfinger any of them. Maybe I would buttfinger a friend if it was his birthday or if he were sad or something and I knew it would cheer him up, but that’s it. I should also mention that I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in MUSICAL THEATRE from Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, whose campus is in Greenwich Village. So during my drunkest and most experimental years, I lived in the throbbing, pink-hot epicentre of global homosexuality. Any gay tendencies I had would have been sucked right up out of my slacks and into the sunlight. Yet I never gayed with anyone, not even once.
Think about the person you most love and/or want to fuck. It could be Alex Trebek, Uma Thurman or some painter you met on trip to Barcelona in 1998. (It could also be someone other than those three people, but if we’re being honest, it probably isn’t.) Now change that person’s gender and any characteristics that tend to go with that gender. Do you still want to fuck their mouth or marry them?
In the vast majority of cases, your answer will be “No thanks.” If you’re truly straight, it’s impossible to make you gay. It is just as impossible to make a gay person straight. And if the Golden Rule means anything to you, and God* knows gay marriage’s most outspoken opponents profess to subscribe to a faith BUILT around it, you cannot oppose gay marriage – unless – you want a big beefy bear of a judge, flanked by busty dyke cops to bust into your bedroom and void your straight marriage at cockpoint.
*Gay Jesus, as discussed above
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