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The Big Question - Nicola Festa

By Nicolo Festa

15qm

It's not a standard career path, granted, but Nicolo Festa – the unerringly confident Italian hipster from the early weeks of this year's X Factor – somehow finds himself in the running to be our new singles reviewer. Obviously a decision of this magnitude should not be taken lightly, so we'll put it to a vote – you can have the guy who used to have the job (an uglier and less funny version of Nicolo named "me") or you can have floppy-haired Festa. Vote below, with these withering words ringing in your ears (whole column here). If nothing else this'll at least give Nicolo the chance to win a public vote again.

nicolo-festa-just-dance-the-x-factor

DAVID GUETTA
Who’s That Chick feat. Rihanna
Gum Prod/Virgin
I was wondering when David Guetta would bless our existence with yet another instrumentally constipated tranny song. First he got Kelly Rowland to scream into my ear and now it’s Rihanna’s baritone voice telling me she wants to dance “cause she doesn’t care”. Everyone wants to dance, doll, I just wish you’d cared enough to take singing lessons .

THE X FACTOR - THE FINALISTS 2010
Heroes
Syco
The world has been waiting with bated breath for THE moment of the year. Forget the Grammys, the Oscars and the Jubilee; The X Factor charity single is out. I really don’t know what to say. Personally I find the whole thing ignominious and I’d expect the Thin White Duke to chop his balls off after hearing it. However, the gun pointed at my balls right now though is telling me that I thoroughly enjoyed it. So yeah… I’m undecided.

OLLY MURS
Thinking of Me
Epic
Olly Murs, aka human equivalent of Snow White’s Dopey has struck again. In this video a he plays a singer, a footballer, a dancer, and acrobat and an ice-cream man. In his next videos we’ll see him picking up daisies, then horse riding blindfolded, and the next day his autobiography will be sitting at the till at HMV. Dear Mr Murs, please decide what you want to be already. Do one thing, try to do it well, and please let that not be music. Because one Jason Mraz is enough.