The Blob Blog - The Butt of All Your Cruel Jokes
Hey Blob-people, since I last spoke to you I’ve been injured. I was skating Stockwell on a beautiful sunny day when disaster struck and I rolled my ankle. I haven’t rolled my ankle in a while and had forgotten the pain. It hurt like a bastard, and I honestly believe that I even crossed the pain barrier, like when people get chopped in half or hit by a car or something gnarly like that. But never fear, I have an ankle support and have been resting it and drinking lots of beer.
Anyway, don't worry about me. I’ll be fine, here are my photos from the week's adventures...
A friend of mine, well an acquaintance (OK – I barely know her) is dating a really rich older man. He’s probably rich off of oil or something else equally as unethical, but that doesn't matter, because he recently bought her a flat next door to the Tate Modern gallery (and I mean that, it's actually right next door).
She has filled the house with ridiculous home furnishings, like this massive cork seat you can see being modelled by Will – who, you may remember, is a human toilet.
As I was rummaging around in the house, I discovered all of these used scratch cards. I confronted the girl whose flat it is about this and she just thinks it’s fun. Apparently she’s never won anything (apart from the fiver she won here) but it doesn’t even matter to her because she’s so stinking rich.
She also has an epic view of the Shard, but who cares, right? Everyone has a view of the Shard. I can see it from outside the Greggs at Camberwell Green, so can all the tramps that hang out there.
One last thing from this posh flat – she has an authentic Keith Haring sofa that apparently cost her BF £20,000. We all thought that was amazing and got a photo on it – like the bunch of lame sofa tourists that we are.
This is her security guard/ doorman-type guy. He was really cool and said he checks out the girl's ass every day. He was also watching a Steven Seagal film on Channel 5.
London has some amazing skateparks but occasionally we skate this little plastic set-up on Peckham Rye Park. It’s got that classic shitty floor that skateparks used to have in the Middle Ages or like how they still have in Leicester.
Peckham Rye mini-ramp has this weird artwork on the back. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be. Is anyone reading this sufficiently clued-up on matters of the occult to let me in on what it is?
We went on a little filming mission around Dulwich. Ben Rowles (AKA Ren Bowles) was doing rad FS nosegrind pop-outs on these black bars. Trombone is behind him in hot pursuit, probably dragging his foot through dog shit the whole way.
Rowles also did a FS feeble pop-out on the rail. Look how good my photo of it is. Dad-cam or die.
Surely this shop makes no money? I mean St Paddy's day is only one day a year and Guinness just give out those stupid hats for free. What else could they sell? Oh yeah, who cares.
There’s a massive "super-church" around the corner from my house. It always has these mental priests shouting and loads of really dressed-up people going bonkers. This I’ve got to go to. Have you got your tickets yet? Say it out loud: MAD SCIENCE PARTY, sounds cool right?
Remember Dwayne? The guy who has absolutely no recognisable features, so decided to bleach his hair? Well here he is in Soho. Soho is funny, there’s no denying that. But if I was buying Viagra it’d be online for sure, I get enough emails about it.
Some thugs smashed up my bus stop! When I catch them they’re dead! (In all seriousness it does seem a bit stupid to build these out of glass.)
BUT ENOUGH OF ALL THAT SHIT, IT’S BLOB O’CLOCK!
I received a few emails with Blob suggestions. But to be honest, I had already decided which article I was going to BLOB-UP. The Maurizio Cattelan and Pierpaolo Ferrari photography was amazing, and I needed to blob it.
The Blob has been cruelly mistaken for an ashtray and stuffed full of fag butts. That’s why he looks a bit more bloated than usual. I’m really stoked on this Blob, just look at him!
Next week, well, there isn’t going to be a Blob Blog next week. Soz guys.
This is the last Blob Blog, unless VICE get a million emails demanding that he returns (but we all know that isn’t going to happen).
Follow Sam on Twitter: @sptsam
Previously: Blob Blog - Attempt #2